I am not the same person I used to be, in a good way. I cry easier, happy tears are easy. I could spend a day dreaming and feel no loss. I don’t spend down time, down, I am always doing something. I crave family and people. I want activities and fun. You would think I just came out of a cave. It seems like I am making up for something I have lost. I may have decided to not decorate for Christmas, just for now. I started reading again and have a desire to just be. I keep putting pressure on myself to do all this stuff, but I don’t wanna. Zero shopping done, zero decorating, I spent too long sick this fall. Haven’t really looked at a calendar and I am so surprised by the date! Hello December.

I think I will make a treasure map. A slow journey to something better. No plan just a journey as it plays out. No lists, just day to day. I am removing all the pressure that I have created. My vision board this year will be a giant X in the middle with the treasure, and slow meaningful paths to get there. That actually makes me smile. Like wrapping up a chapter in a story. I am not going anywhere, just want to move through the journey. I am still doing stuff, but more purposeful with the intention to enjoy. I may have to create my own joy. I think about events but none of them lead to places I want to be.

I like this new version, me 2.0! It is about time! People often envision perfectionism, but it is unrealistic. Nothing happens as planned so just role with it. A plan sounds productive, I can’t tell you how often I have laid it all out and that isn’t how it rolls out. The greatest adventures, changes, progress just happen. If it doesn’t, it just isn’t the time and we need to accept that. We need to meet ourselves where we are and be okay with it! No more demands, just roll day by day. Enjoy the season, one day at a time following the giant bullseye in the middle!

You just need one thing to change somedays! I have a pack of people I talk to and each one went through February in November and all have moved past it, what is that about? We are not as alone as we think. Maybe we are just huge repotted plants at the change in the season. We have to acclimate to the weather, time changes and new conditions. We are no good until our roots dig in and begin to grow in a new environment. Nature knows better than we do!

Plants go dormant in the winter, they slow down. There is less light and more cold, they need to conserve their energy until spring. Maybe I am not a bear, but instead a plant. I wish I could sleep through winter, but I need to rest instead. Sometimes plants can appear dead in the winter, but they are just waiting for spring. They store carbs and wait, isn’t that a visual!

Perhaps it is time to change my perception of winter, I say this every year🙄! If we are forced to slow down in winter and we actually listen, then maybe winter is a good thing. Sounds good in theory. Ask me again in February with four feet of snow and forty below. Maybe I won’t react like a grouchy bear, look half dead with an extra fifteen pounds! I did better last year, time will tell!🧸

I think everything is circular. Straight lines eventually cross. Waves come in and they go back out. All patterns and cycles. The seasons, earth rotation, night and day, the moon and the sun. I guess that is why, when things feel heavy, I just wait for them to return to normal. I just accept that is the way it is suppose to be. Accepting sadness and expecting things to go awry, I have heard is a trauma response. Knowing there is a silver lining eventually is hope. Is that experience or already in there?

Trauma can be linked to life threatening or in some cases distressing events. It can be based on perception. Something traumatic to one is not necessarily traumatic to another. The hardest part is not judging other people’s trauma. People that suffer some serious things in their lifetime question the credibility of another persons trauma. There are plenty of people that don’t even recognize the impact of trauma on themselves. Growing up, trauma was a wound and psychology and mental health got people into trouble. Family business, was nobody’s business and parents ruled with promises of reform school or being tossed out to the street.

Great stuff happened at the end of the eighties. Gen X grew up and created a generation that we hoped would never have exposure to any of the stuff we did. That is the hope of every generation.Family units shrunk, we gave them whatever we could including our whole hearts. Did you know trauma can be passed along? Not saying the generation before or after didn’t love their children, just saying there was a shift. How is that generation that now sits somewhere in their thirties? How are they doing raising the next generation? Did we do any better? Every generation has something to say about the generation before. That too is a cycle and that cycle comes full circle when understanding is achieved.

I am a complacent rebel, a quiet loudmouth, and a brilliant idiot. Just one giant oxymoron. I feel opinions brewing and I am not sure how liberating it would be just to say what I think. I can ask for cookies and that serves me well. I know what momma wouldn’t say, but my voice shouldn’t be silenced either. A diary version of real thoughts unleashed. Maybe the universe will tilt just enough for it to just happen.

Sometimes we just get tired and everything just seems to be a lot. February feels in November is an odd one. My feet just have to keep up with my brain, or slow my brain down to match my pace. When I pull out my magic bag of tricks and look inside, I find all kinds of goodies to pick myself up. Music, and every time I forget, just turn it on and one size fits all cure! Might not remove this stupid cold, sinus, chest thing, but the mind gets dibs.

Cold weather is hard on the head, the bones, the joints. It calls for rest and we should listen. It’s okay if all the things don’t get done. It’s okay to have a change of plans. It’s okay to cancel plans and do nothing. Be kind to yourself always! You can build yourself up and just be. Take the pressure off for awhile, you are most important and deserve it.!

I am dog dead tired, I need a holiday. Everyone should get to choose a day, any day for their own personal holiday. I thought I was aiming well with my ducks in a row, but I can’t find my ducks. I need my glasses to make a row, and I am too tired to do any of it. I went for a pedicure and was out cold and snoring as soon as the lights dimmed. Since the time changed, I wake up at 5:30 instead of 6:30 and I have no clue how to change that. Here I am, lack of sleep, slaving away and filing up with cold.

Why can’t we buy antibiotics over the counter? Or can we? Maybe I should check Amazon! They have quite the operation. I share most of my holidays with illness, I should be able to get a do over. There has been a lot of marriages this past year, I always wonder why people, myself included, didn’t pick a holiday for a wedding date. Having your anniversary on a holiday, makes it much easier to celebrate or get away together and not wait for the closest weekend.

I need to go to bed, 5:30 comes early. I think that’s where the ducks waddled to. I wonder if ducks are easier to sleep with than my big bed hog cat. She tucks me in which is nice, but 2 days ago she started at my face! When she gets to my feet she wedges herself so my legs always have to be sideways. She won’t move either, not until 5:30!

What will your life be like in 3 years? Or even just in the next year? Are you worried about the big bad world or just yourself? How do we get what we want? Tired of the, “ make goals” mantra? Winging it isn’t impossible, but maybe not long term. I always have plans that just float around in my head, sometimes I do them and sometimes I don’t. You can’t be too rigid when moving forward. A to B never seems to be a straight path. There will always be wrenches thrown in and obstructions in everything.

My dad used to say, “ speak things into existence, don’t say the negative out loud.” I do try this, but when I say a plan out loud it always goes sideways. That negative thinking doesn’t help either. Being positive is work! When you are in a negative spiral, positivity is exhausting. It isn’t impossible. My dad was 43ish when he made huge changes in his life. A total about face, I respect that. He found a balance in his opinions and was accepting to everyone. He gravitated to those that struggled and I love that.

Life waits for no one, that I know. It passes everyday whatever you do with it, is on you. Dad only got another almost twenty years after his new path. Don’t always be just an observer, get in there and do something. Don’t waste it!

Things come and go and many don’t even remember the existence of certain items. My granddaughter was over for a visit and we were discussing favorite snacks and foods. I was in the memory lane mode and chatting her ear off about things we used to do. She didn’t remember some of it and it made me sad, because it was our thing. Our beginning and spots were blank for her. Part of our history is missing, things we shared together and I can only reshare but it is not her memory. There is way more in that statement than I can explain.

I spent hours on the weekends as a teen hovering over a tape recorder to hit record at the right time to capture song after song. I think that might be why so many of us from that era can name a song at intro. When you wanted to look for a particular song you had to fast forward and rewind to find it and if you didn’t write down the songs on a sheet of paper, you get it? So much time searching. Now, we just type it into our phone and it plays whatever we want. Different kind of stamina in different generations. Does anyone have to remember things anymore. Computers do it all, not a complaint, just an observation.

So what’s obsolete? No longer needed, archaic, antique, ancient, not used for the reason it was created. There are a lot of things that are no longer in use today. I wonder what will fall under that umbrella when my grands are grown? Progress surrounds us, do you ever scan a space and walk through the life span of an object? I read a story about a woman that invented the coffee filter… just tired of old gritty coffee and bam, coffee filter. She made people try the coffee before they could turn her sales pitch away, again.. a different kind of stamina. As new things come in at the expense of losing old things, I guess that’s where my mind went when a tiny piece of history was forgotten.

Cold temperature has arrived. Christmas decorations are out, but not winter coats! I need a perma blanket, I might get heated mittens, I don’t tolerate cold like I used to. At least we are single digits not minus! I certainly am not ready for the white fluffy stuff. The time change didn’t register until 8 am. Of course I was up at 6:15, which was actually 5:15 and all of a sudden, 8am was 7am. I might be in bed by 7pm. Still get bamboozled when time changes!

Cold makes me tired, no that isn’t true, snuggling to keep warm makes me tired. I have added throw blankets everywhere, so naps are going to happen. A hot cup of tea, warm blanket and book, equals nap and unfinished books! Tried some crazy antics with a friend yesterday and there was so much laughter, it made a perfect rainy day. Be out of character for awhile and really enjoy life, so important.

I am going for a different vibe this year. Don’t want to be mundane and same old, same old this winter. Maybe a staycation plan like I used to do with the kids on March break. Add some flair and originality to really enjoy life. I feel creative, theme weekends! Just something to look forward to!

November starts already! Feels like I lost a month, misplaced it, slept through it, ignored it, shelved it… no clue, but gone. Fall has been kind, thank you! It isn’t over, also thank you! I have been busy, mindless stuff, things that feel like progress, but nothing really measurable. I need some goals. It’s an odd time in my life, like a time warp, I feel beginnings and endings with no clear edges. I am missing something, maybe I am just tired. Next blog will be in the morning with coffee. Who writes just before a World Series game after shelling out treats for hours at the end of a work week??

I need sweaters and boots, I have a fetish for both and seem to have downsized my way out of both. I did get a super comfy blanket, maybe that is the way to go! Halloween is barely over and I am chomping at the bit to decorate for Christmas, I really have changed! I guess my problem is an empty house and I have not really absorbed that. It is kind of like regaining my youth, but not young. Nodding off on my recliner, that has to change. New promises to myself and goals, I better write that down!

Enjoy your slow climb towards winter, get out there before hibernation! I read something about viewing life at 50, the same way you did at 20, is wasting 30 years. Growth is important! I am still naive, I like my rose coloured glasses. I am not good at being a realist, dreamers are better!! Alright, I have a game to watch, hope I make it past the fourth inning for once, all the good stuff happens after the fourth inning! Happy November!

For me, today is the first day of fall! You can start tomorrow if you wish. The geese have been leaving in droves since the beginning of September and the frost started yesterday. Something comforting about fall, it has a home vibe, warmth, even with the chill in the air. This year, I don’t see any chance of bonfires with the drought we had this past season. I can watch a fire on the television anyways. My grands wanted to go fall shopping to create a fall vibe at home, I totally get that. It is boots, sweaters, food cooking time, I wasn’t able to get a garden this year and will miss the harvest. The sky and surrounding nature is coming alive, so am I.

The coolness in the air adds a freshness that creates a productive state. Projects don’t seem daunting just exciting. I still want to be outside but for different reasons. Currently I am at a laundromat, doing the huge blankets from home. I love going to this place, also feels homey, white noise and warm dryers! My to do list is shrinking the done list has grown at this point. I have a huge list for fun during Autumn. Every season has faults, I am trying to overlook them and focus on the good.

Today is just a day and tomorrow is a different day. Not looking for a finish line just experiencing the moment that is present. Need to cast the negatives in a bucket at the door. Seize the day, Hakuna Matata, whatever it is you need to be happy. Well I must go and find some task to take on before the weekend is over!