I have joined Mother Nature in her indecision. I am in between exhaustion and full tilt. If you burn the candle from both ends it eventually meets in the middle. I think I have melted. Between work and the rest of the day I am running on empty. Way past the low fuel sign, not a kilometer left of gas at the end of any given day. The train is moving and I have to keep going or at least hang on.

This is my birthday month, I implemented the month a few years back. One day doesn’t fit for me, I take the whole month as my own. It is easier to find joy when it is nice out. It feels energizing when it is warm. Today I didn’t do anything after work, but that was necessary. Recharge the battery or fill up the tank, whichever it is, a reset. The rest of the month is pretty full right now. Tired is one thing, exhausted is another. I stopped at my son’s with some Costco items, since I have a membership. The child can read me like a book. He made me come in, sit down and eat a piece of cake before I dashed away again on some other mission. I did grumble, but I sure felt better afterwards.

I made a self care checklist again, falling back and taking myself off the priority list is so easy to do. Gardening is on the list along with soup, bubble bath, beach and reading. I don’t need grand things to be happy. I am kind of glad the weather isn’t perfect yet. I don’t really feel ready to enjoy it. The list of things to do is longer than my leg. I am trying not to give too much hype to summer, still have over a month to wait. Finding fun in spring is the goal right now!

Who can be unhappy in the sun? Even as a I sit and stare at the slow melting slush in the pool. I know the good days are coming. It can come slowly, I have no issue with that. Summer has unspoken promises, I still have a hard time saying wishes out loud. I enjoy them inside my head, waiting for the day they arrive. This is the time I can look back at the previous months and pick out the good with a clear mind. Now is when I make plans and goals that seem more feasible. Frosty mornings and tons of rain can’t take that away.

Time to take off the auto pilot and start living in the moment. Feels real good to be present. My cat is nuts, bounding from one end of the house to the other, but it is nice to see her acting the way I feel. A little skip in your step, more smiling, finding humour, let life be easy. My perennials are coming back to life slowly and that’s what I feel like. New growth, small buds, greenery, regenerating from the earth. I did some way to early garden work yesterday, but my hands in the soil was healing. Spring is renewal, or moving forward and I am ready for that.

Time to get on the happy train, “All Aboard!” I know some people feel about spring what I feel about winter. Sometimes we have to wait for our season. Everything will be okay, your season will arrive. Try to make the most out of the journey. Make some promises to yourself, make some wishes on the outside or on the inside. Give yourself some hope, dream a little. Self care, self love… always love.

I will take the spring that has arrived. Rain, sleet, ice , whatever. My body knows better days are coming. Up early, but sleeping through the night. So productive, an imaginary rope pulling through every obstacle. I am not stuck, I am not plagued by indecision, answers arrive without coaxing. Silver linings instead of expecting the plague or poor outcomes. They still happen, but it is a skipped step instead of the steel door that slams in the winter. I noticed on my phone app I am up an extra three thousand steps a day and I am not walking. I even have been out of the house and off to see others. Hibernation is officially over.

Today I was spring cleaning, you know the gritty stuff, screens, heating vents, tops of cupboards, ceiling fans because I want to. I want to is the key, there has been a lot of don’t want to months. For those that made me, or got me out during those stale days… you have no idea how much I need it and I don’t know either until hind sight hits. Winter wasn’t bad this year, I always say that afterwards. I mean my Cuba trip was cancelled so no down south for me this year and I survived. All my family lives away now, so if I want to see them, I gotta go. I am pretty sure every appointment I had was in some crap weather, and again I did it. Sometimes I nod off after supper or hit the hay super early, but I can go with that flow.

I went to see the plants at the store, way too early for this province. The smell of earth and all the growing things inspire something close to Christmas. Two of my house plants have died this past month, I think they had seasonal depression. Waiting for the sun is hard. Tomorrow is suppose to be filled with sun, maybe I will lie on the grass. My granddaughter is south right now and she sends me snaps of the beautiful weather she is enjoying, I feel it baby girl! Send more! Take your time weekend I want to roll in this freedom a little longer!

People often have a picture in their mind of how it is suppose to be. The dream, the grand entrance, the plan, the next step. Life isn’t like that, and you shouldn’t be sad, just patient. Plans, dreams need you take risks, without risks, there is no change. I have wanted a lot of things in my lifetime, never enough that it was do or die. I have no extreme regrets. I do build things up in my mind, I am sure we all do, but looking behind there is nothing that stares back and leaves me hollow. Losing a family member leaves a space, but we can’t control that.

As a child I didn’t have huge dreams, a wish list, a wants list, a need to make the world a better place. Later on starting a family all my wishes were for my kids. Not fame and fortune, just happy and healthy. I am happy with the outcome. This new era is odd for me, it took time to learn who I am now. Writing a future for just me and hubby is exciting. Deciding what we want and when and more importantly how has been a different journey. My glass is half full and he is a realist, dreamers need an anchor to keep us grounded.

The fairy tale continues, the villains still exist, even if it is just your own doubts. Our castle is where we are together. All of our princesses and princes have their own castles and kingdoms. For all of us our happily ever after is where we end up. Be okay with that, where you are, is where you are, and wherever that is, be happy.

Spring is in snail mail arrival. Little bits at a time, the land fills with snow, it melts off and more arrives. The pressure systems that accompany them create migraines that are hard to control. What a week, spilling into the weekend! I almost want to hibernate again. Mother natures little chess game. I don’t like the game, but we are forced to play it anyway. It has been said it is necessary for the smelts and maple sap for syrup. With the promise of that, we also know better weather is on the way.

The weather is a reflection of my own starts and stops, I have to stop that. Kudos to those who are not influenced by it. You don’t get back wasted time. I carry too many mini storms, time to turn the internal temperature up. Get out of the fog and into the fresh air. I am my own barrier, and I know that, time for change. I wait so long for winter and spring to pass so I can get to my fav’s, summer and fall. I will say with each passing year I get better at it.

There are good things, they just seem harder to see. I have a heart list that I can look at, it helps. The world can be so negative, I stay off social media except for family, which is the reason I have it. I have blocked, deleted, unfollowed so many negative distractions. Here I am being one, let’s get positive! Positive pledges, participate in life, get up and go out, say and do kind things, make yourself a priority, surround yourself with inspiring things. If you can’t do it, don’t, the past is the past, the future is now, be happy!

Who is the easiest person to ignore? If you are the director, making sure all the ducks are in a row, it is easy to forget about yourself. Even in downtime we tend to plan the next go around in our lives. What can you do for yourself today? More importantly, what do you need? Sometimes less is more. Something without a plan can be the most fun. I have been doing and doing and doing, for myself sometimes, but wasted day syndrome is in high power. The mentality of, if I do this, I will feel better. Today I was up before the sun( when am I not), I made a coffee and went outside. There was a thick frost, but it was quiet, I gained something there. Peace and reflection, where I am right now, not what I am going to do. The crisp air, quiet and the sun rose, but it always does.

When I came in, I wrote down every upcoming appointment and event, out of my mind and on paper. All the willy nilly stuff banging around in my head, I also wrote down. You don’t realize how much you carry, put it down if you are tired. My shoulders relaxed and I sat down. My words given to so many people, I gave them to myself. The house came alive, my hubby is making bacon with soft music playing, can’t be brought down with that. Shortly I will meet my day, but I will meet it where I am.

Dig for your inner peace today. There will always be stuff to do and there will be more days to do them. Monday morning arrives with or without things done. Maybe this week Monday can be Tuesday. So much pressure to do it all on the weekend, maybe ‘so what’. The gotta and have to’s can wait. Give yourself attention, be the priority today.

You can wash away in uncertainty, you may wade through tears. Despair can come like the tide and flow back out. After, in the calm the landscape has changed and so are you. You can not predict outcomes, just make choices that may give you a softer landing. Your reaction is yours alone. If you don’t want to, you don’t have to. That is life, beginning to end. We are immersed in our lives and standing back or looking back, we can see something different. Without someone’s history, you can’t judge someone else, actually you can’t judge someone at all, regardless.

Everyone’s fabric is made of unique pieces. The pieces come from numerous events and influences. Those are yours alone, you can pick at the frayed edges and discarded strings. Leave other people’s blankets alone, they weren’t created for you.

After the flood waters recede, there is often destruction and loss. The landscape changes, and new growth slowly occurs. Recovery is a process. Looking for good is a choice too. This week the geese came back, the deer are making a regular appearance in the fields. Spring is arriving with birds, buds and slightly warmer weather. It isn’t a solution, it is a promise of good things to come. Not perfection, just better, that is where the focus needs to be.

I am doing a project and trying to come up with a colour palette. Something subtle and not overbearing. Neutral nature is always my inspiration. When trying to deliver the wow factor, my go to is my favourite colours. Those colours are not subtle, emerald green and real red, Christmas everyday? I am not faithful to these colours, favourites are very limiting. Geometric is not for me, I like small floral and plaid. Again Christmas and intimate wedding vibe. When I dig deep into colour, I ponder the why?

I grew up loving blue, one hundred percent tomboy. No frills or lace for me, hinders the running, tree climbing and digging in the dirt. Dad wore plaid, strong colours in plaid, something about plaid looks so good. Jeans and a plaid shirt, pretty sure I have a picture of each of my kids as babies in denim overalls and a plaid shirt. I don’t care about what is trending. Momma was polka dots, I think I only had one thing polka dots in my life. She got me into the florals, not to wear but aesthetically. She did the side of her shed with flowers she painted, takes pictures of flowers and fresh picked fruit, I find I do that too.

The why doesn’t help me decide the palette. Nature will still be my guide, as long as I can sit in a space that feels like home. It will be mine and personal, forget the rest. Forest floors, beach coasts, greenery, bouquets of flowers, sunsets and sunrises will be my vision. Nature will never be wrong. Bring the outside in with a big dollop of plaid hiding in the mix. I just saw it in my mind, I just solved my problem! Now to make it through the time change!

February was a tap out, it wasn’t as bad as it has been in the past. I gave myself time and just went with the flow. The flow was cold and slow, but I had plenty of reasons to smile. Nothing grand or exceptional just day by day. I had mini goals and I met them as they came, that is enough for celebration. I feel spring, March is a deceitful month of fluctuating temperatures and mixed precipitation, I can see the finish line at least. It is time to complete inside things so summer can be devoted to the outside. There seemed to be so much illness during fall and winter, time to focus on health.

I am weeding through my things again, creating piles to wade through. I wonder if that process ever stops? It sounds good in theory, looks good on paper, real time… not so much. I am an organizer, my own junk, I have faults. The sentimental stuff still gets me every time! This is the time to get tough on my things. Our house of two is far too big and it is time to make changes. It is one of those things that make you reflect on why you haven’t done it sooner. One cupboard, one drawer at a time, sometimes twice. The mantra, “If you haven’t used it in a year.” Always plagued by, “ What if I need it?” Now hubby, he is worse than me. Maybe we should switch, it is easy to be brutal with other people’s stuff.

March we will march! March through the collection of life memorabilia, all 39 years of it! The rooms that are done, are peaceful, quiet, calm. It’s funny the difference of opening one door of chaos can send you spiralling on where to start and what to do. Even when you know what to do, that first step is a doozy. I guess it is time to put on the marching song and wrap it up! Perhaps pack it up and maybe throw it out? Wish me luck! Happy March, hibernation is over!

January was exactly as expected, 5000 days. I did pay attention to what gutted me and what revived me. The lows were increased by intense cold and storms. The freeze does exactly that, it freezes movement, adventure, and planning. A vicious circle for sure, you know you need to do things but stay in place like ice blocks connected to your feet. The highs went with the temperature, if I could get out to do something, I did. The hardest part is being okay with that. No sense beating yourself up over the things you can’t control. I guess staying alone with your thoughts, makes them magnified.

Doing indoor things are important, stacks of paper finally get the attention needed. Clearing out email accounts, apps and old photos, there was time for that. Emptying a space clears the mind too. Seemed to be a lot of time to dream or mourn loss of forgotten ones. Letting these go also is good for you as well. Learning about yourself while trapped indoors helps reset, but it does feel forced.

February is here, still winter and I hope it feels a lot shorter. I feel like I can plan my way through this one. Maybe that is why March is always a disappointment. It is the big tease, one day it’s winter another it’s spring. I do feel hope, which seems to abandon me during the dreaded January. February is the apology for all the neglect I have done in the previous month. I will hold on for the 49 days left of winter and come out the other side ready for all the good stuff!