Sometimes the noise in my head is deafening. The needle gets stuck on the record player. Repeat. Climbing uphill constantly, draining! I don’t even know where the stamina comes from. I always aim for some magical silver lining. Something on the horizon, over the next crest, just beyond reach. Is that hope? Is it survival? I create a new scenario in my head to solve problems. I don’t give up, I come so close to throwing in the towel, but I never do. Baby steps, baby bites, I can get so distracted by the big picture I won’t look at.
I never count stairs when I climb them, I don’t want to know how many are there. That’s weird! The step that matters, is the one I am on. I seriously do not know how many steps are on my staircase. I have never counted stairs beyond 3 with my kids. We have counted plenty of things but never the stairs. I can walk through my entire house in the pitch dark, and I do not count the stairs.
There are so many quirky nonsensical things about me. Volume numbers on the TV, I have to look at my keys twice before I close a door and lock it. I have a ritual I have to perform before I go to bed, checking things. It is a little OCD, I have let a lot of little things go that used to drive me crazy. Things being paralell, straight lines, my pillow position, time. It goes through phases, changes with age, eases! It’s a bit of a control thing, when life gets messy and chaotic, it can get a little worse. The static gets louder and I feel forever tense. I think age gives us time to dig deep into ourselves and see these things we didn’t really pay attention to. Or maybe it is wisdom that comes with age, that we can recognize we are odd. Realistically I know I am not the only one, well maybe the stairs thing…
Momma Wouldn't Say 