Derail

Find your most common negative thought and break the pattern. I try to find time every morning to decide my day. What that means is that I lie in bed and prioritize! I like to do it before anyone else puts their spin on it. I may not follow through that day, but at least it is in the plan. My calendar fills up pretty fast, I always thought it would be less as time went on. I hauled out an old calendar, it is less! I don’t know how I did it back then! By the time my first coffee is done I am ready to roll. Let’s get real these are not major tasks, my husband will call and ask about my day, ask what I am doing and I always say nothing. Really it is same old, same old, but it is a lot. Everyday things are a lot of things! I don’t just sit around doing nothing, actually my feet are tired at the end of the day, because sitting doesn’t happen. That is the way I like it, busy!

I am always working on myself and my space. I like things uncluttered, I like simple, I like clean. You can come to my house and see I am not a master, but it is my system that works for me. Routines and patterns, makes me happy! To explain how it goes sideways for me, is control. I say I am getting better at this, but quite frankly that is not true. The fact is, nothing is off balance, I am the scale, things on the plate, things off the plate. Nothing coming at me that is new or different. I can be very spontaneous, because I choose it, I can do new things because I want to. For me it is the have to, someone else guiding my ship and taking away my navigation. Not having time to visualize or think. That is where it goes awry, and also why I don’t see it in myself. I am doing all the things I want, familiar, constant. Put someone else in charge of me and make everything unpredictable and rigid, my brain acts like there are fireworks in my head.

I have been paying pretty close attention to my behaviour, thoughts and reactions. I have learned some real valuable things about myself. I know that I am always calm during the storm. I have some pretty good coping mechanisms in place. I can be a pillar of support and keep everyone around me solid. It is the fallout afterwards that I have to learn how to manage. I am great at saving everyone else, and then drown silently afterwards. When things are beyond my control, I double down the control, I have OCD overdrive, just to be in control of something. This is some self discovery that I am glad to know! Now the real work begins.