It’s gotta be said, I have seen so many journeys lately within my friends, family and myself. The journey’s are lonely. Some are by choice, some don’t want to talk about it. Some can’t talk about it. It is often circular. Sad thing happens, support system develops, survival mode, shut down, shut up, withdraw. During the survival mode, shut down, shut up that is where you need to step in! When in doubt, do it anyways! When you want to help someone but your brain gets in the way, listen to your gut. It never has to be huge, just randomly reach out. Even if they never respond, reach out.
When my father passed away and two months later my father in law also passed away, it was months before I looked at messages in my inbox or cards sent. The people that patched the sore spots on my heart are the ones that came to the funeral home, that brought me food when I didn’t know I should eat, that let me cry when I didn’t know I had to, and that sent a message then and again weeks later as a check in. Sometimes these are not things we are taught. Growing up I never knew about showers, funerals, or even being a guest or a host. We lived in a city of strangers. I learned more on my visits to my rural family in New Brunswick. I remember going to a baby shower with my Aunt and the amount of food was amazing! I thought you had to have an invitation to a funeral, and had no clue that thank you letters are sent out after events with gifts. I remember an aunt telling my mother that I had no manners because she had stopped into see me and had not offered them a tea. I had no idea that I was suppose to, I thought they had come to see me and my family.
My son has gone blind, I still haven’t dealt with me yet, because I am watching him deal with it himself. He is great, funnier than ever, he is optimistic, he is a powerhouse! He is also alone, in the dark, all the time. The Canadian Institute for the Blind has all social events on hold since Covid. His friends are also his family, he gets so excited when they visit. He uses google to call his sisters! He has a few people that he can talk to, lots have fallen away, it is too awkward. Not sure why, maybe they are afraid he will be offended because they can see. It’s normal town around here. I remember the first dinner we all got together after he went completely blind. My one daughter was quite upset that we were joking about her brother attempting to go across the street, he was making jokes as well. He kept telling her it was fine, she insisted it wasn’t funny, and then he dropped his fork on his plate. She attempted to guide him to get the fork without interfering. So she was like, “just reach down, it is right there” and he said, “where? I can’t see” she said, “ in the middle, go down, more, more…” his hand ended up in the potatoes and we all laughed and the light bulb of understanding went on! That is how it goes, there is no etiquette with this new thing, it is the elephant in the room. You just deal, you just do it, everyday. Like he says, “you can’t change it, there is no sense in wallowing in self pity.” So we do, every day.
Momma Wouldn't Say 