Dear Dad

It’s grainy, it’s old, so am I, it is what I have and what I need! It will be fourteen years this July and I keep that part of me in a pocket that I only take out sometimes. I don’t wear it everyday, grief doesn’t go away it changes. Grief for one can be triggered by the grief for another and that happens and that is okay. Some moments are louder than others and it good to listen to them sometimes. Losing a parent is expected to happen, but the experience still hits you hard. Missing them is harder the more time that passes. You would think that it would be opposite, for me it is not. In the beginning I didn’t really accept it and I went to the graveyard often, clean it up, decorate it, sat to have convos, and look for answers. The answers are not there, but maybe in the quiet it made it easier to hear the answers already available. Now when I go, I just cry.

I always just spoke for myself and my situations, but I did not speak to him about it. The fact that he is gone, and his voice is silenced forever, his arms are absent. What would I say? Father’s day is here again…

Dear Dad;

First of all I want to say thank you, for lessons learned, love and protection given like all little princesses expect from their dads. We had times like every child does with their parent, and you taught me forgiveness as well as forgiving freely. You taught me about car maintenance, taxes, how to make a stupid three, the right way! How to ride a bike, how to skate , unfortunately the driving lesson for a standard ended on the side of the road and I walked home! Sometimes I was nasty and you were a jerk, and it took me awhile to realize that is human. We weren’t so uncommon, and as a grown ass woman I am thankful to know that.

I also want to apologize for messing up, but it bothers me more than it ever even affected you. Your words, “I am proud of you,” I was able to hear. You were always involved enough, took us awhile to figure out what that looked like, but I loved the drop ins to have a cup of tea and a quick check in. You did that, physically, emotionally all the time, I didn’t know that until you were gone.

Lastly, there was love, so much! You loved to tease and let’s face it, we all loved that! I still remember when Tyler was a toddler and you walked into the kitchen, he burst out of the closet with a super soaker, bigger than him, soaking you and the entire kitchen! Yup, I see you in him. You are missed, and it hurts to know you are missing it, stolen too soon.

People are only visitors on this earth. Enjoy them, every minute. You just never know. It grows and changes, evolves from year to year. Be sure you are living your best life every day, don’t waste the minutes. Don’t let night fall on your anger. Forgive quickly, and love always love.