I walked to this building, I think I was 6, with my babysitters son of the same age. Almost one major city block in Toronto. David and I were outside of our tri level apartment playing, when our friend Frankie walked by. Frankie’s mom had a baby and of course I loved babies! Well we dashed into the apartment and begged to go to Frankie’s, but David’s mom said no. Frankie’s mom had invited us but the answer was no. We went back out to deliver the bad news and we were left to whine to each other about how unfair it was. After a few minutes, David said he would try again and dashed off to ask his mom. He came flying outside and told me she changed her mind and we took off full tilt to catch up to Frankie’s mom. It was a glorious ride in the elevator, it was a floor past 10. We spent the afternoon, me with the baby and David playing with Frankie.

The baby went for a nap and we were getting bored, so we headed to the balcony to take in the views. People looked tiny on the ground, but I knew it was my mother and my babysitter on the sidewalk out front. David and I climbed higher to wave our arms and call our hellos. Momma looked different when she got to the base of the building. Turns out, David lied, we did not have permission. Our moms were in a panic, no clue where Frankie lived, and beside themselves that this set of kindergarten kids had gone up the four lane major road. Mom said, I was hanging over the balcony rail. We heard it all the way home.

I got the leather strap at home. I didn’t cry, I didn’t do anything wrong. I sobbed through the talking part, not suppose to trust anybody! I was five, I didn’t know people lied. I still trust people until I have a reason not to. I detest liars. Fast forward fifty years, as a grandparent, I feel physically ill. Our poor Mommas. How terrified they must of been. People are not perfect, things happen in an instant. This is a teaching story, could have had a totally different outcome. Frankie’s mom was a gracious host. It was a great time until it wasn’t. Some kids know how to lie at a young age, some don’t. Who has fault in this story. I won’t debate or judge that, but it clearly shows how anything can happen.

Listen to yourself and when you don’t just start over as many times as needed. It is okay to choose silence and be alone if you are safe there. It is important to have a relationship with yourself. Can’t love others if you don’t love yourself, bring your barriers down. If you are insecure in your life, you will constantly seek approval for your actions and decisions. I find the hardest thing to deal with is uncertainty. I always say it is change, but I feel it is more about not knowing, feeling unprepared, I suppose they go hand and hand.

I won a four wheeler once, we got helmets and added seats, and set out to explore. Now this city girl, knows nothing about all terrain vehicles. Mud puddles were fun, but what was under the water? Was it an actual hole or wash out? These things can roll right? Why? What actions make that happen? We headed down a steep hill once and as we proceeded I prepared to climb off and jump. Now my dad had an automatic and when I got to run that machine on my own, I was elated. My rules, my path, happy girl.

Unfortunately life is not predictable and we don’t have control. Uncertainties are the name of the game. It is better to learn how to deal with them in a positive manner.You are responsible for your reactions and more often than not they can be irrational. It takes you a long time to learn or rather unlearn these life long coping techniques that don’t suit the betterment of life. In every life situation, the most unbearable you will overcome. You will, it never seems like it, but you do. Even when time passes and you look back, your life has all the pitfalls and every time you are still here. Celebrate your ability to do that. Is your stuff worse than others? Don’t do that, you deal with you, your emotions are valuable, no two paths are the same. Worse, better is of no importance it is yours to navigate.

They say if you settle in and choose complacency and avoid things, it all goes downhill. We should not scold people for the choices they make. We should not encourage the elderly to refrain from their walk, garden, shovel. Once they get to relax and sit about, that’s how the body also doesn’t do the things it used to. If you aren’t using muscle groups, memory, joints, how can you maintain these functions? Really, that makes sense.

We will wither if we are still and stagnant. Frankly no one knows what the future holds in terms of time. I do know after a season, trying to start power tools and such after months of not using, can present some problems. Motors that haven’t run, parts that get damp, corrosion is inevitable. If you are not greasing, oiling, maintaining, then things won’t work as expected.

Water, the foods we put into our bodies, even the air we breathe all contribute to better function. Don’t let the call of being sedentary rule over the better life choices. If you can’t change the oil and maintain stuff, let someone else do it. You need regular check ups and blood work for snap shots of any changes over time. Prescriptions are not the only options for treatments. Be thorough with options. Ask questions, consider alternatives, be informed, don’t get comfortable.

I used to obsess about accomplishing things within a certain time frame. I would beat myself up if I could not do all of it. Silly girl, life does not have those types of rules, you might. You just have to let some things slide. There are musts, refilling an empty prescription, replacing toilet paper when you are on the last roll, they are have to. Paying bills, buying groceries, gotta be done. Cleaning the toilet has to be done, but if it gets overlooked, you still have a roof over your head and nobody dies of starvation.

Give yourself a break, don’t hold yourself up to some imaginary standard or expectation. You need to coast sometimes, that can be the fun part of the bike ride. Pedal hard, sweat it out, exhaust yourself, but then ride that hard work. Let the wind blow through your hair, gulp in the freshness, air out your armpits! White picket fences, don’t stay white, they are more work than they may be worth, ask Tom Sawyer. Things happen in time, when it’s time.

They also happen for a reason, in the moment, you may not see it. That is why hindsight is 20/20. The time went back an hour, but maybe just face the clocks away for awhile. Being ruled by time, internal clocks and otherwise is so overrated. You don’t really know what you want or need. Just like you don’t know what you are missing until it is gone. Enjoy the moment you are in or try to. It all changes the next day anyways. Don’t factor, the time factor!

That is how you work it out, that’s what brings you around. A little boom, boom, pow! Cat and dog have met, and our little Sola, has slapped the dog and hissed that has the poor dog looking so beaten. She wants a pal, but it takes time. I have felt beaten lately myself, waiting for the second wind in the final rounds, I could use the smelling salts about now. I keep tapping gloves with my opposition, but can’t get in there with for the temple shot. Everything seems to go to the scorecard and I am coming up empty. I am rooting for the underdog, is it me?

So when you hit the mat, you need the crowd to build you up. I need a Ra Ra, and the crowd goes wild. Sometimes the match seems rigged. You can walk tall and have heart but still fail at split decision. I dunno, I need more time to train. I need more time to prepare. I keep going for the ten rounds. I think I can last, but will I win? Goes to the judges I guess.

I’m gonna stay low, hopefully not mat low, but under the radar. I’ll take the falls and the blows and get up later. Underdogs come out on top in the long run. Now if someone else throws in the towel, we’ll that’s it. Maybe wrestling is the way to go. Fly off the top rope and lay down until the they almost tap you out and then bounce back. One clothesline and patented elbow and it is all over. I’ll figure out the style and name after some rest. The ref can make the call.

Your brain is roughly three pounds, be sure to factor that in, when you are on the scale. The right side is emotions, creation, imagination. The left side is logic, mathematical, facts. All garbled goop for some. Left for me is a big pud muddle, intentional mix up. I don’t think a logical brain would work for me, everything is too real. I like make believe, it is better for coping. Some perceive the less logical as less bright. I digress, I can create a plan to fool the most brilliant.

Kids came to me in high school for their woven story to get out of class. I once did an oral book report in front of the class, about a book I didn’t read. I had to ask questions about the story to engage the room. I had five questions and basically their answers told me what happened in the book. I was so sure of my plan, I went first. Unfortunately, the teacher did a follow up with her own five questions for me… oops. I think communication is the secret to wisdom. If you know how to express yourself, how to have a conversation, to present your thoughts, these are key to all relationships.

If you can’t hear someone’s words it is a big problem for exchanging ideas. If you are listening, it helps the convo along. If you are too busy thinking of your rebuff or ideas, you are not really present in the convo. In schools, kids always have their hands up, and lose the message, because they are now stuck in the message they wanted to share. You have to be attentive to receive information. You have to process to get the meaning. Life is like that too, you need to retain things, to learn from them.

We swore off having another pet, cat dies, dog has type one diabetes, no more pets. This weekend we got a cat, because naturally we were not right. She is not an infant, six months, my son didn’t wanna have to worry about squishing her. She has been here two days and she is a small glimmer of happiness. She hid for almost 24 hours, the first day, and then she joined us. Snuggle bug, affectionate, chatty, loves the broom, the table top, jumping high. Has not struck out in anger, no bites. I have scratches because I was carrying her and she got spooked and wanted down to hide. So she used her nails to scramble. She is an asset to this family.

That is how it happens sometimes, we don’t even know what’s good for us. We really don’t. We are a weird species. We run away from things that are good for us. We justify our obvious mistakes. Why are we so afraid of being wrong, being criticized, being called out on shitty self care. Explain away every shred of negligence of ourselves. If you had a broken arm, you would need a cast and rest, but easily neglect your peace of mind. Shrug it off and keep going. It does catch up with you and then you realize, yes you are coping, but have solved nothing and the circle turns around and around. You can’t put a bandaid on things that require stitches.

If you are implementing all the things, meditation, exercise, music, sleep, things you enjoy, that’s great. If the next problem has you at zero again, you are not storing anything for your future. You have depleted it, overdrawn. You have written a story with no footnotes, no references, cited nothing. What happens next? Rashes, indigestion, inflammation, heart palpitations, insomnia. Stress kills, I can’t stress that enough! If you can tell your story to someone not personally invested, do it. Your losses, your grief, your story, it is important. Sometimes you just need to be heard. Get the stitches you deserve.

We mould people around us, unknowingly, our distinctive and unique style can coax others to be better versions of themselves. It can also create havoc and lead others to poorer versions as well. It depends how pliable and malleable a person is. If you are happy with the person you are, you are less likely to change. Leaders lead, followers follow. This does not mean you can’t go from leader to follower or vice versa. That is the commonality we are ever changing.

The mid life crisis that is often referred to, I think, is just self reflection. I am this years old, what have I done with my life? People panic, they run out and make big purchases, take trips, go back to school. They try to play catch up of all the things they haven’t done, before old age comes to rob them of their youth. It does not have to be a crisis. It’s perfectly normal to have regrets, wander thru the past, peruse the future. Remember the words of someone telling you, “Life is short.” Yes, it flies by, no, you can’t go back, maybe you shoulda, woulda, coulda. You are not dead, age is a number. I loved 30, hated 40, the number.

I love 50, the number and the time. I have had some of the hugest changes, challenges, experiences in this decade. I am me, more me than I have ever been. I have age spots, wrinkles, flab and I don’t care. I have earned it all, it all has a story. This body carried three kids, this body sat in the sun with baby oil in the 80’s, this body has laughed long and hard. If I want cake, I eat it! If I want to skinny dip, I will! If I want to take a class in belly dancing, pole dancing, line dancing, I can do what I want. Self doubt, sometimes, but that is natural. We are not so far apart, you are not alone in these struggles you perceive, everyone has them!

I hate ironing, I will put things through the dryer, I will discard, I will avoid at all costs. I’m a wash and wear kind of girl. Same as debates, I’d rather walk away. If the iron gets too hot, I will put out the fire. I would rather not take on the task. When things are heated in a family dynamic, some bring the kindling, some just poke around in the flame, someone has a lighter. I suppose this is part of genetic make up and history and growth. It’s not healthy to stay hot. Elevated stress does no good.

How does the middle man keep from getting burned? Should they carry around a squirt bottle, after all it is only you, that you can control. One coal still burning can still reignite. Deactivate the flame, fire retardant, suit up, get in there and shut it down. Words are wise, actions are different. I know that the key to weight loss is, 12 hours fast at night, no snacks at night, limit sugar, don’t drink your calories, and 30 mins of exercise per day. Good job! I drink iced coffee, I eat chips every night, I have a box of flakies and have not implemented an ounce of movement outside of work.

Behaviours are grown over the years, they are not an easy fix. Personalities are embedded in our DNA and temperament is learned, or nurtured. That’s an abundance of factors to consider for solutions. It may be over your head to even try to correct. Ultimately it is you that you need to worry about. There are no sides in family, your puzzle piece is the only piece you control. Do that, find a dry cleaner and give up the iced coffee.

My daughter was asking me about my first car the other day. In 1986, I had a 1973 Mercury Comet. I bought it for $500, it was the colour of the center line on the road. She was excited by this. Asked me if I knew how sweet it was at the time. It took me back, no I did not. It was an old clunker that gave me freedom and I am today years old to realize I owned a classic. It got me off the subway and on the streets of Toronto. I was not a good driver. I got my one and only speeding ticket the first month I got my liscence.

I took the bus and subway all my teenage life. It took an hour to go to school, with many transfers and changes along the way. It never bothered me. Having a car gave me more time, but really with traffic, not so much. I now had to pay attention. I once hit the curb looking off to the side. I also smashed the passenger side door in making a left turn. Hubby was boyfriend then and in the crash I reached over and pulled him into the center away from the door and the busting glass in the moment. She got an ill fitting door after that, it would randomly swing open when I was driving. Back then, there was one safety done when you purchased a car and you were good to go until the wheels fell off. She was a tank, old cars were thankfully. I went off the road in the winter and smashed a fire hydrant, she kept working. Hubby went off the road into a field, huge ditch, they towed her out, he drove her home.

Start talking about cars, everyone has a story. They are woven into our story. When we started our family, I got a safer car. I realized I didn’t really like to drive and was more than happy to let someone else chauffeur me. I developed an irrational fear of transports and never drove on a highway. Mom brain does that I think, you no longer think about yourself. It’s been quite a few years and driving is peaceful. The irrational has levelled out. Funny how one question brought it all back. I will look today, see if I have a pic of the old gal, she was a classic.