What do you want to be when you grow up? I was gonna be a Forrest Ranger, a Detective, a Writer, a Teacher. First in my family to do secondary education, knew nothing about it. Never went to University until I was 35, never heard of Bursary’s or Student Loan , or even Scholarships and I graduated with honours in Science and English, I didn’t even go to graduation. Graduation in Ontario was October and I had already been to college. I took a Real Estate course that I paid cash for and was a Real Estate agent by October. It’s hard to sell houses at 19, when you look 12! I could be a professional student, seems fitting I am in a school. September is like New Years and summer is my soul twin!

My kids got a little over 10 years of me at home exactly what I wanted as a mom. That was my wish as a parent, to be the parent, didn’t wanna share my kids, I wanted to see all the firsts, and I did. I love to write and I was hooked after having a poem published in the Sun paper in Ontario as a kid. I wrote a poem for each of my kids when they were born, I have 2 books started, I like to dabble. My mom has an unpublished book on the shelf, she dabbles. My dad was a story teller. His childhood with his 7 siblings, ghost stories, fight stories, family events, history, war stories, I thought he was in the war! Stories were an event of their own, taking life and shape, some with sound effects on tape, some with a boxing lesson, some in the dark. I borrowed some of that for my own, driving down a deserted street in the middle of the night to tell some creepy story and then pretend the car wouldn’t start. My daughter lives on that street now! Imagination is an awful thing to waste. Childhood is not just for children!

We are too busy now a days to enjoy little things. Don’t let it happen to you, allow yourself to think back. Never let the childhood flame burn out! Growing old is only on the outside. With age comes wisdom, that’s a crock! Age makes us settle into patterns and rhythms, stealing our spontaneity. Sometimes we need to do just because…just because.

You know when toddlers put on the biggest boots they can find by the door and wobble around, everyone laughs and gets a picture and then discuss that they have big shoes to fill? Or how about the little one that stays in at recess in kindergarten to get the number three right? The child that joins a team and stops the game when a member on the other team gets hurt, to help them up. The one in the store that repeats mom, mommy a thousand times, you are ignoring them but in frustration finally exclaim what? Just for them to say, “I love you!” The same child that punches his sister for not carrying his back pack, but also punches a boy four years older for bugging her. The one that turns into a steely teen, stubborn as you are. Rude, nonchalant, moody but will still say “love you” in front of anyone.

After the teen angst, and a thousand moments that causes more grey then needed, they have no reservation to pick you up and carry you around, claiming how small you are. Or nicknaming you Little Buddy, because now that you are older you cry a little easier. Meanwhile you have trials and moments in life that are hard. Your kids do too and there is no shortcut through it. You do get to a parallel and you flow along in comfort. There are really hard parts we get to! Ones that seem insurmountable, sometimes we are just an observer not knowing how much or even if we should help. Brutal to hold hands with a younger version of yourself through that. We just want to absorb all the hurt, be the bridge over the pain, slowing the toxic thoughts they have about themselves or life in general.

Then there is perception. You see through your eyes, your mouth might say otherwise, you evaluate damage by your standards. Deciding how you might deal with something if it were you. Guilty! I am glass half full, but I have doubt first. I choose middle ground to get others up, sometimes that has me on the wrong end of the see saw. In most of us we root for the underdog, maybe not having real faith at first, but as they claw upwards, it starts a fire that everyone stands around and slowly the cheers build… My son is blind, black, darkness, both eyes. Today I came home and he was in front of his computer, with a full page of code in front of him, that he had written! Today, “I can’t” , doesn’t exist.

I have the travel bug, to be fair our southern trips were always planned this time of year. When I was a child, summer we went to New Brunswick and then when our kids were children we always went to Ontario. Then when my girls were teens, we would go to Maine on shopping trips. Finally we planned the ultimate trip to Florida! We drove, it is approximately 30 hours, depending on who you talk to, you drive through I think it was 14 states. Our kids were 10,13,14 and 16. We had a portable dvd player for our van. We stopped in New York and Georgia for the night on the way down, it had it’s pros and cons and I wouldn’t change a thing. I was sold on the south after that. Skip winter! Yes!

The first time we did the south kid free it was Vegas, we flew and rented a car and drove to the Grand Canyon and Hoover damn. While away on that trip we planned another trip less than a month after for Mexico! Both trips were planned without a travel agent, and we went with friends. We made mistakes, didn’t know anything about checking bags or airport transfers. Vegas not such a big deal but not having a ride to the resort after landing in Mexico was a huge safety concern and ended up being quite expensive. We learned about airline food and airport food. Layovers, VIP, online check in, and how to pack! We did Mexico again a few years later. Such a beautiful place, beach is incredible and the food is outstanding.

Our last two trips were solo, Cuba and Dominican Republic. Dominican was just before Covid crippled the world, well my world and it was a relaxation holiday just to sit in the sand or pool and dance and sleep, we did it and did it well! We actually had an additional holiday planned to go to Vegas again that was cancelled with the Covid crisis. Now Cuba was my favourite, we went on several excursions. Jeep through the countryside, swimming in an underground lake, speed boat up the river. The food was more conservative but there is an embargo with USA, so not all things are available. I felt the safest in Cuba of all the places we had been and they love Canadians! It had the most incredible beach, white sand and we spent a day walking to the tip of Veradarro and back, the water was the most amazing colour. By far the busiest trip, but so nourishing for our souls! We talked about going south this year, but we will wait an additional year and then go. We will still vacation just not south. I think summer will be here soon this year!

I work with kids, I love my job, it makes me crazy and so very tired, but I do enjoy it. Making a difference, one kid at a time. My daughter used that in a college interview! There are patterns in children, they are all different, but they seem to follow the same mile markers. Their abilities are so varied and I feel a lot of school success can be credited to the consistent schedule and predictability of the day. Patterns are great for getting kids to adulthood. When there is a shift in schedule or several days off in a row it is so apparent who struggles with change. That would be me, first and foremost apparently change is hard for me, being flexible… ouch.

Children that are flexible definitely struggle less. Not that there is a lot of variables shaking up the school day. The start of a school year some kids settle into the days quickly and then the learning can begin for them that much quicker. When kids struggle to get the daily pattern and they are constantly worrying about what is next, learning is not where the focus is. There is nothing wrong with that at all. With youngsters they are not so good at regulating their feelings or controlling their emotions so when they are overwhelmed it comes out in messy emotions.

Emotions and reactions are what kids are all about. Regulating their emotions with a peace and calm approach. That is skill, hell that is talent. You need your reactions to inspire your littles, to motivate them and give them confidence. You had parents, you know what they did that emptied your tank. You know the words they said that deflated your heart, pride, esteem. Even more important and hopefully more in your experience you know what they did that made you better. That guided you to be your best, try your hardest, succeed. That’s what the littles of the world need, a compass, to navigate through the overwhelming bits in their lives!

Self is selfish! I think it is necessary! We are constantly bending for everyone, not always reluctantly. Sometimes it is expected and even essential. We do because we are and that is okay, and it is okay to stop. I give you permission to allow yourself to take time for you. I know you don’t need permission but it may seem that you do. It shows mutual respect for others to have approval. You do what you want, and you should feel good about it, allies in your corner, nods of agreement! Being you, without having foreboding weighing on your mind. Doing something for yourself without looking over your own shoulder. Completely relax, knowing full peace!

It is not selfish, we would just go all the time, never seeking solace and reflection. I am not talking about chores, household duties, but being available to others. You know that most of us take on other peoples things, their lives can pull you in and that is great, but not a detriment to your own sanity. I am not asking you to turn your back on anyone, just step away for you, set aside time for just you. Give to yourself, putting yourself first. Maybe for some you read this and you are already there. That is fantastic, I feel that too. I also remember the days when the kids were little and consumed all of me, they stole my space, my intimacy, my toilet and shower time. I welcomed it! I also miss it, as much as they seem to rob your sleep and your ability to eat on your own or even complete a meal.

Now this chapter of me, has me out front. I have time and I see you, and I hear you. All of the things we deal with are going to be there, they will wait or someone else will intercede for you. Do you think if you were to pass away tomorrow everything you are responsible for would also perish? I assure you not. The responsibilities you carry around would be transferred elsewhere. You need to train your replacements, think about that. If they can’t find something without you, if they are so completely dependent on you, what happens when you are not there? What happens? That is what you are setting them up for, coping, survival, self pacifying, most important they need to see that you look after you, they need to learn that too! We leave an impression on everyone we come in contact with. If we are lucky perhaps we give them tools to enhance their life. A good tool is to make yourself a priority, without guilt, without anyone making you feel selfish. Always love and love yourself first!

I remember when cherries were the most expensive fruit and certainly not available all year. I don’t remember eating a fresh cherry until I was an adult, maybe not even until my kids were adults! They still are quite expensive! Food prices are ridiculous! A food/fuel benefit for seniors is available once per year, roughly this time of year for $225. Not sure how you choose, obviously it won’t cover either bill. I haven’t had a winter hydro bill under $200 in years. Groceries? I just got 2 bags full for $128! It’s real bad, and I am not sure how to fix it? We have a growing season of two ish months and we are not on a farm. Freeze or starve?

I could go way back, chips or a chocolate bar was twenty five cents. You could get everything Momma needed at the corner store, prices might even be cheaper than the grocery store. This year is off the charts. Two bags of chips for $8.50, good old reliable Kraft dinner is over a $1.50 a box, so is a can of Campbells Soup?? They raised Minimum wage, they made daycare more available.. huge gains for families, and then they jack our food prices out of the park! Two loaves of bread, $8.00, milk, three bags, $7.00, losing an income in your home could have you homeless in a heartbeat. It is really scary, worse than that, I know people that are truly scared!

I truly hope if you are blessed that you remember your fellow man. When someone reaches out, I hope you are able to able to throw a life preserver. I hope you are helping, even if you are the quiet one behind the scenes. Help does not only mean money. My wish is that you can have an impact on someone worse off than yourself. We did a Turkey drive once at a school, hand over hand, assembly line to donate turkeys! We did a mitten tree another time, anyone could take a pair! Helping is not only for Christmas, and there are plenty of foundations doing something for someone. Plenty of local places in your own communities. Find out what they are, arrange to do something with a group of friends or coworkers! My wish is that everyone be involved!

Raising kids is exhausting! Kids are fun and if they are not, you are doing it wrong. Not 100% truth, just my view point. They will wear you down, quicker then you can wear them down. I like allowing kids to be kids. There are times to be the jailer and have the stern voice and commanding eyes, but be sure to have fun. Get to know your child, really talk to them. We used to go for walks or drives and talk, sometimes you have to fit it in between sibling fights and a nap! If you just listen they have a lot to say, and be sure to ask why. Age of course matters, but the little ones can tell a story or talk about a family member for sure. They love to talk about Grammie or their cousins. They can tell you all about their favourite store or the best treat. At school they talk about what makes mom mad, how many video games they played and why their brother or sister is a pest!

I always ask what was the best thing about the week end? My grands used to come over and tell me about all the ways they had been wronged by friends. I always ask for the good, there is enough bad to last a lifetime and it is probably a good enough time to teach them to focus on good things in their lives. My kids are grown and love when I hear from them and it is happiness I hear. I was out once with my husband and a large group. One person had a whole lot of drama they were living with, it was almost over share. Finally a mutual friend that may have had a few wobbly pops blurted out, “don’t you have any nice stories?” Really though? It is true, tales of woe can start to fill all the spaces in a conversation, and when I started paying attention to my own conversations, I did it too. I would start conversations with some sad headline I had heard, and it was my youngest at home, that pointed it out. Hubby and I would see each other after our work days and start into to icky parts of our day, no wonder kids do it!

Joyful journaling or uplifting conversations for everyone! That is what we need! It is easy to wallow, observe for a bit, yourself, family members, gathering with friends. You are not horrible if you find you do it. You don’t have to change if you don’t want to. Those low and sad things, rest heavy on this empathetic heart, it stays with me longer than I need them to. Don’t get me wrong, I still rant, I girl grump, but I try to catch it. I got a happiness list book and if I were Oprah, everyone would get one! Could you imagine being surrounded by positivity or even increasing it by ten percent. Can you imagine surrounding our families in positivity? Just notice, listen to those around you, it helps if you know what you are regularly exposed to, your environment could be poisonous to your peace!

I like quiet, see inside my day and the noise is deafening! So how do I drown it out? Essentially that is what I do, a repetitive scrape or click can make me nuts, but ruckus and large and long noise can be absorbed and forgotten. Sudden noises always scare me! On one hand I seem to have bad nerves, then the next I can go for the long haul in chaos. I have a friend that can not stand the quiet. It makes her uncomfortable. Many people sitting together not speaking feels awkward to her, I am quite comfortable there. I see no problem with people sharing parallel space in calm silence. You can feel energy in this space, you can feel emotions stronger. Maybe that is why reading it so much more than a movie, you read it in silence, you bond with characters, you inhale the mood of the story. I have been driven to heavy, ugly crying while reading faster then any show! I still cry watching movies, but it feels like, you just have to look away to avoid the emotions. I have some people in my circle that hate those parts and will do something loud and outrageous so they can disassociate from the sad scene. When the tough gets going, they just get out of there.

I don’t understand the loud. When not in a group setting, it is nails on a chalk board, grating! I would pay attention to someone faster with grandiose movements than the shrilly, commanding noise. If everyone was a mime, that is my kind of attention seeking that I could respond to. A public settings, a restaurant or salon with someone speaking to someone beside them about the fight at the club or the recent bout of flu in their home for everyone to hear, I don’t get it. I probably shouldn’t know that much about a stranger. It seems to be open season for respond to strangers. I even notice in the classroom kids calling out during a short animation on the screen. I couldn’t imagine what they would be like at a movie. People are not private anymore, adds dimension I guess.

Public debates are also the norm, I have observed more weigh ins from random people than before. Even caught myself! I don’t like that, being invited into a conversation is far better. I don’t know what healthy arguments are, that definition has changed with the rest of it. Last man standing after being shamed from your opinion, seems to be the new normal. A group of friends were talking about cyber bullying, but if their children carry on like they do, well nothing is going to help! Be kind all the time, all we can hope for until some kind of unwritten guidelines are established. I try not to be so surprised with these changes, but just when you get use to one thing it evolves again. We got one different kind of generation coming up, the technological advances will be huge. Just want to be sure we keep our humanity!

We’ll weather, the weather, whatever the weather, whether we like it or not. Minus forty six with the windchill, I’d rather not. It is business as usual, praying that it will be spring when this is over! I am cold right now, I have one child floating in the Caribbean, and one just texted to say the power is out! Too cold for that! I have fallen asleep twice today, I am in full hibernation mode! Really this winter has been kind until now. Stores were half full this morning during errands. Not a soul outdoors, nor should there be!

It is a new day today, it is amazing what a shower, a breakfast made by my husband, and eating with my two men this morning does. I am sitting in front of my Happy Light now, might need sunglasses and I am laughing at the absurdity of it. I can hear my husband and son playing Yahtzee, my son is winning apparently, according to the shouts. My husband is so competitive I am surprised he doesn’t cheat. He would just have to tell my son that his roll was nothing. I can tell he hates to tell him when he gets Yahtzee! They enjoy it even if my son does win! Who knew that Yahtzee would be the game of choice for the blind, so much more of a game of chance when you have to trust your apponent to tell you what you have rolled. This winter is different, one that was built to tear us to shreds, has changed us to depend on each other so much more. Learned a lot about myself, and I am not invincible, I do need others for my survival, who knew..

Just control what you can, coping skills kick in, you can do this. Our space is always going to be invaded about the outside world, you can’t block everything. No one else can feel your feelings. You have to let others in and help. I always say, “Ask for cookies” and the most important part of that is….take the cookies. We can help ourselves, sure we can! Sorry to say, you have to admit… I need you! It is not a fault to need someone. Someone that shelters you, or covers you a little bit from some of the stuff coming down on you. At the very least listens, all the things you need to say out loud, even the things you don’t want to hear come out of your own mouth. Don’t give up, and if you are someone’s someone, don’t let them give up on themselves. We have a lot to learn and we are worth it and we are here to stay.

After 35 years I find myself rolling back the timelines to pinpoint definitive changes. Not life changing but things that happened within my life time that marks better. There is always stuff that stalls building from the ground up and I would like to note that these are important peaceful times that just slow things down. Not everything that prevents change is bad. Raising children, being a partner and being present in your relationship is work, rewarding work, not obstacles. In the beginning getting your feet rooted takes time. Then feeling safe in that garden lets you relax into building from there. There was a time when we would move and it always seemed to happen after the last box was unpacked and then we would pack it all up and make a change, moving on to another spot. When we first moved in our current home, I was apprehensive to unpack the last box, it remained taped for two years so as not to jinx it!

Remodelling and renovating was put off for additional years, there were kids to grow, there was places to see, there was always something. We were busy people, functional space surrounded us so it made no difference. We were discovering the world with our kids. Our kids were our first priority. Somewhere along the way, our choices for our home became purposeful. Items were selected, based on functional and practical, paint colour became our choice instead of the childhood flavour of the week. When I shop, I like to touch things, feel the texture, check for softness, see if it stirs up happiness, especially after the Covid Cootie years. I like pretty things, natural things! I like to surround myself with items that I truly love. I have clutter places in my home, mostly tucked away. Almost like that taped box from the first years. Stuff I don’t need immediately, but also can’t part with.

I think I am selective because number one it doesn’t hold value, like the people that actually make our space the home. When this place is filled with our loves, that is the time the heartbeat can be felt, the echoes of the past and glimpses of the future peer out at us. The house is alive, you will miss that! Not for lack of intention, full time jobs, winter, sports, quality time within their own families, various work schedules, lack of planning. It happens, it is always easier when the weather gets better. Maybe I can bottle it with the berries and preserves, to store for the cold dark days. I can open a bottle a day in the winter, one on my bedside table for nightly talks to Momma. One for my sons room so he can gab with his sisters all day long. One on the dinner table so we can all be together in that space. Winter might be getting to me a little bit today, can you tell? Tomorrow is another day closer to spring!