My fuse goes on for days, it stretches around furniture and goes out one window and back in another, it goes up and down the stairs, behind the sofa, you get the point? It takes awhile for me to blow a gasket. Sure I get miffed, annoyed, ticked, but real angry takes awhile. Mostly I stuff it in the couch cushions and sit on it for awhile, so that it gets hot and bubbly and is no longer contained. It’s rare, it doesn’t serve me well, I find stone cold anger gets more results, unlike uncontrolled fury.

I believe assertion is more valuable than aggression. Let’s face it, not much is accomplished when you lose control. How can you advocate for anything in that state? Angry people just make more angry people or scared people. Just not helpful! I talk, maybe not in the moment, but take it in and then talk it out. I also clam up, when everything is loud and angry, my brain turns off. It is an old coping strategy, might as well fight or argue with a dish rag. I say nothing, I can not think. Mostly I want to leave, part of me wants to duke it out. I was a true, flight, fight !

Maturity is a good thing! Deep breaths, shake it off, move away for a moment, stay silent for a minute. Then try again, it’s a good thing to teach kids. Breathe, vent, move on. You can not change anyone or anything except you. Worry about that person, number one! Anger serves no one, solves nothing. Reactions need to be kept in check, response is where it is at! Make sure the response is respectful and made with love!

Do you know how many things I have missed out on because of fear? I am not afraid of spiders, snakes, heights or being alone. I am afraid of the unknown. I like to know how things work, I like to be in control of my environment. I base my decision before I even try. Sometimes there is just no rhyme or reason to it.

I have zip lined across a river more than once. One of those times, I had to be rescued because I didn’t make it all the way and stopped short of the platform. I thought it was awesome and would do it again! I hate riding on the back of a four wheeler, I will not jump off a bridge into water. I can go up in the CN tower, I will hike or swim in underground caves. My rationale buttons seem to be askew. Terrified of riding a horse, but will hold reptiles and pet wild animals. I really don’t get it.

It is all fine, we are who we are! For me, it is the regret, the lost moment. I know some of my stuff is irrational, but some is just fear itself. I actually worry more when I watch others do stuff. My daughter is an awesome mom, when her daughter gets nervous she just simply states, “You are gonna regret it.” That is what I need to remember, if it is not a deadly deed, just do it. I have always wanted to go on one of those four wheel water bikes or a Catamaran, opportunity has come and gone. I regret it, I need that do over! My brother in law was gonna take me on his Harley! Backed out, missed out, regret it!

For me I think I need to make the decision. No pestering, no boss or insisting. If someone said, I am gonna do this on __ day, join me? Then let me have time to decide, with no influencers, I would have a better chance of saying yes. Some things, just saying them in my head is a huge screaming No! I know that I will get out on a catamaran and a Harley. I also know that I will never jump off a cliff into the water below. I also know, never say never!

So if you are about resolutions and you have made goals, Bravo! If you have not, or already dropped them, good try! I have started a Joy Jar, everyday I write something specific that has brought me joy. On a specific date, you pull them out and reminisce over these accumulated moments. You can also keep track of what prevents joy and then decide how to avoid hurdles in the way. Implementing exercises to help recognize time wasters in your day so you can be your most productive self.

Brain space robs me of joy! I am guilty of not taking time to deal with things throughout my day. When you don’t say what you think or maybe feel about something or if you don’t ask for help, you can not move forward with certain things. I mean brain storming should give you a solution, ultimately that is the point. If you find you are constantly pointing at others and giving them the power to be your obstacle, then you are not taking any ownership.

You are your advocate for change, for reaching your potential. Sometimes you need to put things aside and delegate so others can take over for you while you do the things you want or even need. I used to insist on making my own sandwich, because I couldn’t trust someone to make it the way I like it. Let people practice being you, let them try on your footsteps. It will not be 100% you, but perhaps a close second! Then maybe for a minute you can grow and be the you, that you strive to be!

We have so many things that just are in life, that you never think to see it any other way. Everything we do has just been, and we do it without question. When we challenge the same old, or when someone asks us to see it another way, it is so foreign. My dad used to do that, and now my son does. Why do we have time change, why do we have calendars? What if there is a parallel universe? What if we removed money as a motivator?

I recently decided not to be buried. It is totally out of character for me. I always assumed I would go in the ground and have even tried to narrow down where my final resting place would be. This fall, after standing at my Dad’s grave, it just came to me. I would never want my people to stand at a stone and look for answers. To have some place that you are pulled to, or feel guilt about not going to. My dad is not there! I have gone, looking for solace, refuge and maybe even found it. I do not need his grave to find it. A picture or a memory can do the same. Mostly I feel loss standing there.

I want to give blood and donate my organs and my ideas always seem to take others by surprise. I like different and I like practical. I am always dreaming up foundations to help others. Usually ones that would be created after the times in my life that were hardships. Life changing moments that you know others will experience. Wouldn’t it be nice to be part of the solution, in someone’s dilemma? It starts with one, right?

Maybe in a parallel universe, there is a version of my self doing that right now. Did you know that New Years used to be mid March, and that some countries don’t have daylight savings time? If money prevents us from doing grandiose gestures that could help our fellow man, perhaps the elimination of money and just a person’s desire to do good, would make this and all of us better people! We can do more, and for this family Be More.

I worry about my visual past being erased. This building still stands, not sure for how long, my parent’s wedding reception was held here in 1967. The church where they were married has burnt down. The elementary, or rather one room school house, also gone. Some of the homes they lived in are still standing. Momma was in the USA for her beginnings and I still want to see that. Her and I did a google earth tour of her childhood neighbourhood during Covid, which I loved! Still want to see the real thing. I am still drawn to my Grammies house, and although it is on a dead end street, I still drive by. There is a house still standing where dad and his seven siblings lived, they must of been stacked like pancakes. Dad talked about the snow coming in between the boards with the wind some days!

My mom’s homestead, that belonged to our original ancestors was for sale in the more recent past. I wanted it, I didn’t pursue it, but I secretly pined for it. I looked at the listing constantly. Didn’t make sense to purchase it, not practical at all, but it called to me. I had never been in it, well as an infant I suppose. Seems weird that someone else now roams through it. My daughter while out with friends, was talking about their childhood homes. She was lucky enough to be able to say we are still in it. It created quite a stir in the conversation. She was over the other day and we were talking about all the changes. We used to have six bedrooms, now we have five and I am sure we have rotated through all of them at one point or another.

When we are gone, they will have way too many pictures, mini clips, audio and video of our past! My oldest inquired about a school picture the other day and I sent K through to Graduation! I have books of cute phrases and childhood stories, old school work, badges, all of it. They will have no trouble travelling their pasts. It is one of my soft spots in my declutter process, I allow it, because it feels good! I like getting lost in it, a representation of our lives and past as a family.

New Years Eve! I almost bought into the mass hysteria of the last day of the year crap! So instead I went out, so mild today and just poked around here and there, switched myself into easy mode. No panic cleaning, no craze to complete stuff. I did little to nothing, it was great! Whole bunch of nothing! Momma’s voice played a bit, “ clean house on New Years, clean house all year.” I’m replacing the voices. The house is clean because I clean it, and if I don’t, a little grunge never killed anyone!

We need some of the auto voices, ones that allow us to react rationally. Getting into panic mode because of the voices, that’s when you have to push mute. Or as my dad used to say, “Delete, delete!” That makes me laugh. Auto voices can also keep us safe, reminding us that we could be in danger and keeping our Spidey senses sharp! Staying on alert and overplaying possible scenarios, that is a hard No. I have enough trouble replaying my day at 2 am instead of sleeping! When you are on vacay, at least lost sleep can be regained, by sleeping in. This is something I have achieved and I couldn’t be happier!

If my inner voice isn’t a cheerleader that is going to encourage me, well then it can stay silent. Should be the same for the people in your life, no one wants to scrub off the daily negativity that can accumulate in a day. This might be a time to check in with yourself and make sure you are not that day wrecker of those around you! Have a great New Year folks! Aim high and love, always love.

I am not much of a resolution person, I think it is too much pressure for one day. Life goals should be flexible. They should be something you visit regularly. If you pledge all of your changes for the start of the year, you mess up in three days and give up. You need to fail to learn, mistakes are human, you can start over. New year, new start, of course you can. If you don’t that also is okay, there is the next day. Go easy on yourself, goals should be ongoing. Hubby and I used to have mini meetings with each other deciding the 5 year plan. Naming some of the things that we were aiming for in the future. We didn’t write them down, sometimes we would make fun of the naive plans we had made. Days come and go, don’t stress.

New Years should be a celebration of surviving another year, and praying you make it through another! One thing you learn pretty quick, things can happen that change everything. The eggs should not all be in the same basket, spread them around, like an Easter egg hunt. Forward moton, love with your whole heart, every day! Celebrate the people in your life, enjoy every scrap of happiness you can find. Yes, you should look for the things that give you warm and fuzzy feelings. What is precious to you? Focus on that, forget the rest! Accept what is, trust that things will come that you need. You can slow this pace down, be patient, laid back, calm.

I am a planner, organizer, I can be pretty rigid and stubborn…I have learned that about myself. Maybe go into the New Year learning about your self. It is a lot easier letting go of negative ideas and thoughts when you know more about where they came from. Then take some time, to like yourself, all the flaws, I assure you there is more to you then that! Whatever you decide is your choice, no judgement. Life really is what you make it.

When my folks headed to the big city from the East Coast, my dad set out ahead. He secured a job and place to live and then sent for me and Momma to join him. We took the train to get to Ontario, landing in Union Station. On a recent trip to Ontario, hubby and I went to Union station. I couldn’t stop taking pictures. I grew up in Ontario, I was an avid subway user and had been downtown Toronto plenty of times. I don’t recall being there at any time after my initial arrival. It still felt familiar, I have memories starting at three, this would of been when I was two. Would that memory be in there? It would have been life changing, monumental in a toddlers life, the place is impressive. I have no recollection of a train ride or arriving, non of it, but this place sparked something.

History and how we connect with it is a passion of mine. Our own histories are plumb full of all kinds of details. When I was a kid I loved the stories my folks shared of thier childhoods, not just the, “we walked to school both ways uphill,” kind. The guts of thier childhood, the woes, the moments when they were the heros and sometimes the zeros. I think kids need to know that life isn’t a cake walk. They need to know, you can come from nothing and do better, that you can have it all and lose it. We tend to protect them so much they don’t know the tales of woe and then they expect white picket fences and rainbows, which lets face it, takes time to establish. Sometimes it is not attainable.

The generations before us are full and rich in memories. When I go to the Seniors home to visit my family, anyone in the common area that wants to talk, I listen. I absolutely love the recollections! A gentleman shared one of his wedding day. He was so animated in his tale, such a nice man and his passion for this vivid moment almost made me cry. I could spend all day there, I know why my daughter loves her job. We need to preserve every ounce of history we can. Our own, others, good, bad, ugly, all of it is important. It has a place in this world and we should be sure the pass it on.

Always two steps behind, or way ahead! This is okay, there are no pace rules except the ones you create in your mind. It is certain that we need to let go of this rigidity that we create. Somehow we tend to allow others to dictate the how and why. There are real rules in life that we must play by, no give on those. Your play by play for yourself are yours alone. Get up early, sleep in. Stay up late, go to bed early. These are for you to decide, no judgement, it is of no ones concern. Why are we so moved by other’s opinions?

I woke up this am, all quiet in the house, I allowed myself to lounge in bed, planning, thinking, resting. It was after nine when I left my room, grabbed my phone, got my coffee and did nothing. Had a missed message, family was coming in for a visit. I did not panic, I did not clean, I did not get dressed. Had a three hour visit that was so relaxing. Conversations leading to laughter, catching up on all of this speedy life has to offer. It is mid afternoon and I have done nothing yet pertaining to my home. Just my own self love has been in the forefront today. Will this feel the same, when those desired retirement days come?

Am I lazy? Why would I even think that? What do we measure ourselves against? My family is cared for, that is first and it is done. Clean clothes to wear, food made most of our meals. I even have implemented a few new ones for this coming year that have been a big hit. I guess I am just calm and I am not used to it. Christmas comes in a big rush, it comes, ready or not. I like this part, this calm afterwards. I’m gonna grab a book and read it cover to cover. Do for yourself, just one day…you deserve it!

I am not a winter person, I say it all the time. It isn’t true, I like big fat flakes, I like walking in them. I like winter activities, skating, sledding, snowshoes, snowman and snow angels! What I don’t like is lack of daytime, frigid temperatures, driving in dangerous conditions. I am cold and tired all through the winter. The season seems to be less tolerable. I could hibernate.

Today is a fat flake day, it is not a necessary travel day, I like it! Outside in the snow, the air seems different, like we are in another world. The sounds are different, it reminds me of a snow globe, what it might feel like to be inside one. The ground and the sky are one, you can hear better, almost cozy, perhaps that is where the phrase blanket of snow came from. I expect to see children out in it, but they seem to be scarce nowadays. The snow brings back childhood, mine, and my kids. I wonder what this current generation will feel when they are grown and see snow, will it just blend in with all the other days. As you age, memories are windows into other times and places, I hope that kids are making memories that stand out. An internet generation is being created and I worry the real experiences are being put aside for cyber ones. Hopefully most families have a good balance between the two.

Times have changed and time is valuable. Everyone is busy with their stuff. Sometimes keeping kids in and engaged in activities is more productive than, getting them outdoors, maybe even more peaceful for some families. My son said something the other day that had me pause, it was part of a quote and something akin to, ” saying you don’t have time, is comparable to saying you don’t want to. ” Me, being the grey area gal, debated this with him for a bit. Focusing on mothers, I see sides to this, mothers throughout motherhood is multi faceted. It is not black and white, there is working mom, kids in activities, many children, illness, multigenerational homes, the scenarios are endless. Our conversation had to do with time and me using or over using the phrase…” If I have time.” ” I don’t have time.” “I’ll put that on my list, and see if I have time.” Was I using these phrases to replace or avoid saying, ” I don’t want to.”

Sometimes there are words that just hit a chord, they make you take stock or just pause and reflect. That is all this is, everyone has their own personal take on it. It is not judgement, it is just a check in. It is okay to not want to, just like it is okay to say what you feel or think without guilt.