Adulting is hard, and I have created the monster that is me. I am pushing and shoving myself to get things done. I am also letting go of what I can’t do. I have run so much, my gas tank is empty. I have three appointments next week right after work. Who are these people, that allow me to do this.. oh ya, it’s me! In my Facebook memories I was reminded that my washing machine died this week twelve years ago. This one just got fixed after a week and a half out of commission, guess what I’ve been doing? I have been drawing from a bottomless well of perseverance.

I just realized the moon is full! It all makes sense now! I received a message that two of my Christmas orders will not be arriving before Christmas… I have resolved, that what I have, is what I have. Dusting stress off my shoulders. I do not control the universe. Words that I must say out loud, daily. I’ll add those words to the list. I say them and do them, but also fall away from them. A visual reminder never hurts. I think I just made a personal goal, I might even call it a resolution!

For now I will take every happy small thing and blow it up big in my mind.

My son makes me a coffee every morning.

My granddaughter calls and texts me now, she answers after six hours, but hey, it works for me.

My momma has ready to cook cookies for me! Bless you Mother!

Hubby got his passport before it expired!

My washing machine works!

Twelve days till Christmas! Rest up friends!

I am still not used to the sun setting at 4:30. It’s like running out of time. This week was a doozy! My stomach hated me Tuesday and my head hated Thursday! My system is so sensitive lately, I had one coffee yesterday and could not stay awake past nine. Which means, I was wide awake at 5:30. If I have my regular 2 today, I will be awake until 10:30 and wake up for a few hours after midnight. Then I have to drag myself up for my work day. Today I am going to try to hold off as long as I can before having a coffee this am, and try to have just one.

Mind you my mind races this time of year. My washing machine is broken and a bathroom tap needed to be fixed. Groceries on a Saturday morning before Christmas was not a chore I wanted. The afternoon errands stole the rest of my Saturday and it is Sunday already. The have to’s took over the want to’s and I am a little bitter about it. See if I can incorporate some fun into what I have left of the weekend, or maybe I should go to the laundry mat. Never mind, I guess it’s going to snow during the productive part of the day.

I do have things to get done here, or maybe do nothing. That is how it happens, opt for do nothing, start the week thinking about things that need to get done. Coffee to get the energy to do the things, or midnight wake up to plan the things that didn’t get done. Early morning wake up, plan some fun things, then weather ruins everything and if it is significant enough, a headache to match the change of pressure. Round and round, I will try to get off this merry go round, first coffee!

I am trying to get Christmas in every corner! Christmas keeps the cold outside, warming from the inside, maybe the decorations should stay up till April! Of course I ordered online to top up decorations and now there is a strike…The living room has been done now for a couple of weeks, earliest I have ever done it! The presents are less, but the Christmas presence is abundant. I am pretty sure it rained for forty days and nights, so it was needed. It certainly tested my glass half full, I kept saying, “At least it isn’t cold, at least it isn’t snow.” By the end of it, I was definitely annoyed. Winter will be here in twenty one days, and Christmas four days later!

I am still not used to this grown kid thing at Christmas. Nothing better than littles being tucked in on Christmas Eve after one present and cookies and carrots being left out. Their little faces on the big day, big dinner, toy laden paths everywhere. I can still picture my son bouncing around the bedroom from bed to bed, singing Suzy Snowflake, the carefully written letters to Santa. I remember the year that my oldest busted her brother’s punching toy, and never told me it was her till years later. This house was always full.

I will still watch the radar for Santa. I will quote the Grinch and Elf. I still get excited when I see Santa, once in awhile you see a real one and I just wanna squeeze em and say thank you. Social media floods with all the Christmas photos, commercials get tender.. more streaming nowadays, I don’t see that many. I was rather disappointed that I was unable to get a normal Advent calendar. They made elaborate ones with bigger boxes and fancier chocolate. I like the old ones, just a nibble to keep track of the days. I do resist change, hoping not too much around Christmas changes. I have a huge donation pile going out. I love giving at Christmas! Sometimes it is a little lonelier at Christmas, be sure to see lots of people! Enjoy December !

Today’s the day that teddy bears have their picnic… no, no that’s not it. I will say it is good, in a tired way. Weekends are never long enough, but they have to work. I have been a machine lately, the flu has flown. I am extremely peppy, I love prepping for Christmas and that should keep me kicking till mid January. I have been in this livingroom for thirty three years. I can look at it and picture so many events! Lots of birthday parties, Christmas, visitors, the kids playing.. more than one generation. I remember when it never seemed clean or empty, now it mostly is, much of the time.

I remember when a bird came down the chimney, I remember neighbours gathered around the fireplace , when the power went out. I remember my mostly grown kids carrying the couch out to the curb, because it was junk and they thought it was time. I remember when it was peach, butterscotch and when it still had carpet. There were first steps, flu ridden kids, elaborate forts and many movie nights. It has been transformed over the years. Many members of my family have been here that are no longer with us and that is what homes hold. A visual journey in your mind.

Soon it will be a magical setting for Christmas, I like that. I am sure the cat will too this year. It has french doors so that might save it from my little pet terrorist. She was good last year, but she has the most energy in the house. I finally changed my analog clocks, so I feel like I gained another hour today. it was a good time to press pause and just feel and breathe. I have been really working on being kind to myself, self love is important too. Be sure to make yourself a priority.

Everything has been too serious lately. Leading to Christmas, I want a challenge. I want to do out of the ordinary. I have done personal writing, reading, workouts and photography challenges, usually about 30 days. I want this to go right on through to Christmas. I need some imagination stretching, I am bored. Maybe it should be a race, first one to complete 15 out of 30 challenges…. Some kind of proof, gets a gift card. Involve family or coworkers, maybe your text buddies. Little things that become the remember when stories!

Everyone makes ten suggestions, and then vote for the actual ones you will do. I asked hubby to do something like this when we were on vacation. Most extrovert person in the world declined. I used to be way more introverted than I am now, but this still appeals to me. Maybe because it is a challenge, maybe because it feels a little rebellious. The things chosen do not have to be over the top, just out of the ordinary. Like instead of a typical morning greeting, you say, “The air is colder down here.” I once got my niece to take a picture of me at the mall in the showcase with the mannequins. I don’t know, in the middle of a parking lot ask a stranger if the bus stops here?

Life is short, get out of the typical patterns and have some fun. Making plans to do your pedicure and attend events are fabulous. This challenge would cost nothing. Just a little edgy and different. Something to smile about later. You have an extra hour today, well it feels like it, so create some fun! What can you come up with?

This am the alarm went off at 6:30, hubby told google to cancel alarm and set new alarm for 6:30. She told him alarm set for 6:30pm, he told her again to set it for 6:30 am. It was great argument. I am half asleep, I glance at the digital clock and it says 5:30am. I tell hubby that the time has changed and to go check his phone… sure enough it is 6:30. A little while later he comes in and wakes be up to tell me the analog clock in the kitchen says the same time as his phone and that the time has not changed and it is Saturday. I lost an hour and a day already. I had talked to mom yesterday and she reminded me about the time change, and I even said that is a Monday problem. It actually is a Sunday problem, and I am already a day ahead?!

Time used to change in October and April, now it’s November and March. I mess it up everytime! I even said one spring it was going to spring back?? Fall back, Spring forward, gah! My son worked nights one year during the time change. He was done at 2, did I pick him up at 2 or 1? In the spring time change, two o’clock does not exist. We go from 1:59am directly to 3am. Am I the only one that gets confused? At least Google knows.

Happy time change! May your 5:30 am’s feel like 6:30 am. May your pets and kids not feel hungry at the wrong time and your adjustment be swift! Enjoy your extra light in the morning and earlier sunset. 🌅

Yo-Yo, most leaves are off the trees now, very effective mood shift. I realized that trauma does not have an age limit, 8, 18, 81. Things you never heal from and also don’t acknowledge, can pop out at any time. Triggers can be subtle, things you never thought of, weather, conversation, rejection. Bygones be gone and carry on. Now is the time to catch yourself. Figure out your “whys?” Or maybe, “What the hell is wrong with me?”

Why do we remember painful things? When I was a kid, I climbed up the monkey bars. We had a set in the schoolyard shaped like a dinosaur, sloping up from the tail. You could walk up them from the tail. Somewhere around the shoulders, I missed a rung and I went down through the bars hooking my diaphragm on the way through. Totally knocked the wind out of me and I laid on the ground trying to cry with no air. Took probably fifteen minutes to recover and school being out, no one was around. The air gets in and breathing is automatic function so it happens regardless. Another time I went sledding, Dad found a fantastic hill. Down I went, no clue how to steer, zoomed into the woods and slammed into a tree. Dad yelled if I was okay, and I hollered back that I broke my back. He carted me up the hill and off to emergency for six hours and an X-ray that showed a severely bruised tailbone.

You can get slammed with stuff all the time and call it near death. If you aren’t dead, automation kicks in, and you live to tell about it. What doesn’t kill us makes us stronger, so they say. Certainly makes us wiser or a least we might learn from our mistakes. Automatic body function is kinda like auto pilot, good thing it is built in. When in a crunch, comes in handy. The body does need fuel and appendages to carry out tasks. Family, friends, community are useful in the same representation. Use autopilot if you need to, but make use of whatever you can to get out of survival mode. No such thing as a surplus, your body is a sponge taking what it needs, don’t deprive yourself of that.

Mothers know things beyond the realm of understanding. My mom called me immediately after work and whispered things that only resonate with their children. They woo the things that only the two of you could ever know. I asked my son the other day if I ever told him about the story, “ and don’t you forget it?” He had not. At some point in time before I was eight, Mom and I went to a store in an unfamiliar area. A man was looming about this particular establishment, muttering to himself. He half followed us on our way in and loomed around us on the way out. His mutterings were low, but just before we got into the vehicle, he bellowed, “ And don’t you forget it!” What it was we were not suppose to forget, we were never told, but the phrase stuck. Several times over the years one of us would bellow to the other this same phrase. It locks us to an untold story, a puzzle we will never solve.

Mothers are like that, completing puzzles, sharing parts of stories that only we know. Half bits, whole bits, the only ones that know all of our untold bits. Mothering can be thankless, and hard, maybe even have us part ways. Travelling through our lives on alternate journeys. They do know us, feel that or not, it is okay. When I turned sixteen, Momma asked me if my bags were packed. Not the birthday greeting I expected for my sweet sixteen. I stared at her blankly until she explained my constant promise through the tough years of leaving at sixteen. Sometimes you horrify yourself when held accountable to your past.

Life goes on, growth happens, paths separate numerous times in our lifetimes. Families, divorce, death, illness all complicate our journeys all the time. Life is messy, perhaps you shut down, or maybe move on. Your focus is not focus but someone or something keeps you tethered. Celebrate every win, move past the negative. Somewhere in the dark, someone bellows… “And don’t you forget it” and it grounds you, brings you full circle to carry on.

Is the stress you feel bottled emotions? When you bottle emotions and they remain ignored, they will get out. They find a way to seep into the spaces around you or within you. What do you think they do inside of you? They tear up your sleep, they increase acid in your belly, they lock up your muscles and they distort your view. There is solutions to every problem, we often ignore the solutions and ride on the sanity we have. My problem is and continues to be getting the words out of my head and into my mouth.

I have to make the words in my mouth louder than the words in my head. It plainly is an old habit that crops up. I have it until I don’t. I don’t like rocky boats, I like my feet flat and like predictable outcomes. I like to succeed and see others do the same. Maybe I haven’t felt this way in a bit because the water has been calm. Perhaps the water is only getting in a little bit and it is only the soles of my shoes getting wet. Push out of your comfort zone and then realize you actually are up to your knees. You are now committed to getting to the other side or drown. Just yell out, holler help. It is not failure. Self reliant people hate asking, they never could so they don’t. They do learn but starting across the water again, they hold off with determination to overcome … and then they are up to their knees.

Nobody is a mind reader. We have a culmination of all our roles. I recently read about a family and the wife worked and took care of the family. Made appointments looked after all the tasks around the house, cared for her family and others, gave her time and energy to everyone. Not because she had to but because she believed nobody would be able to do it like she could. She knew everyone’s needs and how they liked things. She passed away, a maid was hired, a nanny, an accountant. Someone else made appointments, someone else gave to those that needed without her. Life goes on regardless of what you think. These things could have been implemented before she was gone. Who is your mental health 911? Are you someone else’s 911? Make the voice in your mouth louder than the one in your head. Sorry folks you are replaceable, won’t be you, like you or maybe even as good as you, but the checklist still remains after you are gone and things will still get done.

Hot damn! You know when you know the things you need to know? It is a valid question. We all have things we have to work through. We can pretend we are on it, or going to be on it, but what is real? What is really going on? I could laugh at the intense disregard we have for our own feelings. Seriously? Plough on, keep ploughing on, saying we got this, thinking we know. Time to fess up, we don’t, we hope we do, but nobody knows with one hundred percent certainty. Wing and a prayer we got this. Am I right?

I was watching an underdog boxing movie and the intensity we give to the underdog, sends us to absurd proportions. Nobody really has to lose, we can all win! Last man standing means something right? Maybe it is the person that just tries the hardest? What else do we have? If you cut to a karate type movie it is kill or be killed. Good Lord the old stuff is brutal. What is now? What defines last man standing? Integrity? Honesty? Effort? What should it be? No really, I want to know what people think is stamina in 2024?

I am still here! Surely that means something, this drive thru world, it has to mean something… loyalty means something. If you muster courage and strength to keep on keeping on, without being a martyr, it has to mean a shred of something. White flags are for war, why do we always feel this fight? To persist, to preserve, to stay true? Will our next generation be as steadfast to our plight? We can only hope we put the bug in the ear of the people who need to hear! Go team!