I’ve gotten myself on the back burner again, I did read two novels in two days. I don’t think they were good for me. You have to be careful what you surround yourself with. Everything is at the forefront of my brain and to save my own peace, I am allowing it. I am pro at cleaning it up, cooking it up, wiping it down, stupid errands. I do it all, grudgingly. I am not saying shit about it, I am back to waiting for my turn, why do I do that. I have made plans over a dozen times this year and then let them slide away. It isn’t procrastination this time, it ‘s guilt of being selfish. When does that end?

My job is one in which I am level all day. Grounded, patient, calm, that’s how the space stays a reflection of your careful control. Come home quiet listening, take care of all the things. If you see me in my car on a quick errand, I am scream singing angry songs. I have regrets, regrets of everything I pass up. Promises I make myself, “ while I am in town, I will…. Just for a minute, for fun.” I don’t, supper has to be ready for five, the dog needs a needle at 8, or whatever else I put in front of myself.

I save everyone’s sanity, except my own. I had it down pact, I will get there again. Frustrating to say the least! I am still exhausted from that flu or whatever had a hold of me. I really think that is the problem, even when I was sick, I didn’t put me first. I did more if anything to keep the germs from getting anyone else. I need to be honest with myself and acknowledge that I need help. The bowling balls are gonna land on my head. That will be some kinda vacation eh? I’m disorganized right now, it will all work out in the end. First,I will get some sleep, things are always better in the morning.

Everyone has their fears, snakes, spiders, heights, even small spaces. How do we measure our fears? Are they all irrational? Some people just do, everything, no hesitation, just go at it. Are we easy to separate? I am not scared of most things, more scared of unknown things. I think snakes and reptiles are cute. Most bugs don’t frighten me, unless I think they can hurt me. I used to be extremely claustrophobic and can be, depending on the circumstances. I find stress triggers most of my fears. Any of my particular oddities are elevated by stress. Bee’s, wasps still terrify me but I can hold it together better nowadays. I hate June bugs, but this year I grabbed a bunch and threw them to the ground when they were gathered at my lighted entryway and I wanted to go in. Even hubby was surprised at that one.

Is fear learned? I developed a ton of fears after I had kids, most are gone. Putting someone else first often makes us face our fears. There is strength in protecting your own. I would brave plenty of things to save someone else. Probably with no thought to personal safety and putting myself at risk. I have auto brain and if fight or flight is activated, I do what I do and lose it later. I purposely set myself against my OCD and I am okay. If I am stressed, I can’t do that.

When I was in my early thirties, I went to University and I was talking about the chances of being hurt or injured. A young girl said to me, “ I don’t know about your God, but my God won’t let anything happen to me.” Life changing words. Even with or without God in the equation, belief does have a huge impact on our reaction to things. Chances, statistics all play a part, simple odds, maybe something will, other side of the coin, maybe something won’t. Better to live your life thinking they won’t, instead of wasting your life thinking they will!

Perfect weekend, the temperature allowed the outdoor things to get done! Being out of commission for a bit, this is what I needed. I can’t conquer the leaves in my treeless yard, they are not done. It has been productive. Fresh air makes for a great sleep. The moment the work week ended, I was ninety percent outside. Fall is my second favourite season. Usually Sunday is the feet up day, but I can’t sit still. I feel reminiscent of so many things, my head is full of daydreams and plans. I will be in bed early.

I started watching a new show, but I pine for the written word. Time for a new set of books to fall into. There is no escape like the one a good book provides. As a kid it was my escape. I was always plowing through books, always had trouble putting them down. There is a huge change in kids when they are learning to read, another world opens up and getting lost there is never one I could argue with. Someone reading you a chapter book and having to wait for the next one, is worse than commercials on TV. When you are able to finally read them yourself, it is freeing. An adventure nobody can stop.

Someone asked me what kind of book I like, I can’t answer that. I am not bound by a genre. I like a book I can’t put down. One chapter either pulls you in or it doesn’t. I like when it hits you off guard. I like connecting with the characters, relatable or admirable, fierce or colourful. I like when you need to know more, a depth to the story that is just beyond reach that makes you turn the page. A story that makes you question how you feel or rethink how you perceive something. The page and words are deeper than what you can see. Give me sarcasm, give me rebellion, power, humour, give me a notion to be different. Actually, give me some titles… I need at least five fabulous reads!!

Costumes have changed, your child can be four million things by the tap of your computer keys. As a child, we had plastic costumes with no shape and a horrific mask, that you could neither breathe nor see out of. You wanted something different, you made it yourself. In grade four after our school wide culture fair, I wanted to be King Tut, I made it myself, there is no picture. That is the only costume, I remember. The picture above is Mary Had A Little Lamb, the last costumes I made for my kids. Then it was buy and borrow. As teens they often made their own. My best friend’s son dressed up as my husband one year, loved it!

My mom and dad did little decorating at Halloween, but scary noises played loud from our house, while my dad rattled chains in a bucket. There is fun in being terrified! I tried it a couple of years ago, zero kids came to the door, until I shut it off. Some years in our neighbourhood we can have over two hundred kids. I live in a cross street, so often they just go up and down and we are bypassed. Kids arrive after supper in the light and are typically done by eight. Halloween is different when the kids are grown, sometimes I wanna skip the four hours by the door.

Kids love it though, although with a time frame to abide to, they barely speak at the door and are off to collect as much candy as they can. I used to purchase things I like, so the left overs were good. I don’t do that now, I’ll save the weight gain for Christmas baking! Hope the weather is kind to the kids, my own daughter came back one year and just put in a snow suit instead for a costume. My husband has driven to the grandkids before to be a warm shelter for one, while the other kept going. I would rather not drive during that night, a lot of dashers out there in the night. Now is time to stock up in the treats, prices go up and things sell out fast. Get ready! Trick or Treat!

People are always saying they make better Grandparents than Parents. You know they will grow and do their own thing, you have more time, you can spoil and be damned the consequences. Not me, both roles were and are enjoyed. I stayed home with my kids. I loved every minute of it, the drop dead tired was superseded by the joy of play and discovery. Yes there were feral days, myself included. Yes there was cereal for supper, and unkept spaces, dirty dishes and piles of toys everywhere. Everybody has that, kudos to those who never got behind in housework, all homework was done and spent quality time with their kids. Tip of the hat if you never got behind in bills, laundry and self care. If your house wasn’t littered with more childhood papers than unwrapped gifts, were you even a parent? If you don’t have an insane attachment to that cut out handprint or a child’s first painting, tooth, pair of shoes that sit in a box for years, how can you prove they were little?

My Grands fought over sitting beside me the other day. They are tweens, I would never point it out to them, but the twinges that evokes while I hold on to their childhood as long as they allow me to. I have gotten away with my hand held by both this year and grasp to the thought that maybe being embarrassed of me might skip a generation. They are mine as much as their parents, there is no difference. I make them accountable, I withhold snacks, TV time and any consequence I have given my own. Kisses, squeezes, snuggles always!

Every generation after this one, I want a bond with! I wanna be great, great, great Grammie. The one with the energy and overflowing heart. The one they can talk to that gives the honest answers. The one to remind them of days gone by. The one with whole wheat bread and cranberry cherry juice that they love! The one who plays make believe and sings and dances. They absolutely do grow up too fast and we age along side of them too fast. While they want us, we do the best we can.

What is success? When you think of that word, does someone come to mind? Is it something you achieve with money and power? For me success is a lifetime spent giving of yourself. How did someone show love? Did they show kindness, sincerity, did they know their faults and accept them, did they accept others and their faults? Does someone accepts others at face value, no judgement, sees beyond appearance, looks to someone’s heart? Good people see the bad but also work towards pulling out the good. Success shouldn’t be determined mid life but at the end of it. Nobody is the same person they started out to be. Well you know that they…. referencing something from twenty years ago, does not define a person. Who are they now? Did they learn from it? That is what I want to know.

I like reconnecting with people from my past. I love seeing the change. The pleasant surprises that you never would have thought for that person. Skip through your own life five years at a time, surely you are a better person. Certainly time has changed you for the better. If not, why not, it is never too late to do better. Do you turn away from certain types of people? Maybe we see a little bit of the things we don’t like in ourselves and can’t face it in someone else. Perhaps you decided that certain habits and behaviours are incapable of change. Aunt Lou did that and she was a wretched old lady, why?

Some would say success is achieving your goals.What about motivation to continue making new goals? What about triumph when you overcome obstacles?A successful day can lead to a successful week, month, year and ultimately a lifetime. Perhaps the only one to measure success in your life is you. What you place value on is really personal choice. Whatever that looks like is your decision alone. I measure my success in kindness, love and acceptance. I want my legacy to be the good I did, not what I have. 💗

I hope people listen when you speak. It’s nice to know people care about your opinions and value your input. The common mistake in communication is to create an environment and someone does not feel heard. Couples suffer from these mistakes often. Any communication can get to a lull and you have an answer before the words are finished being said. Kids are like that, they hear a question, their hand shoots up and they can not focus any longer because they are consumed by the question they want to ask. There is also the interjector, that needs clarification before the story can continue and the speaker loses their train of thought. As an observer I see that one a lot. I had a friend in high school, they were speaking before even four words were said in a conversation, robbing the story from its glory and making a complete jumble of the point.

The art of conversation is pretty valuable and we are losing it. It is a subtle decline but I think it exists. It is different across generations. Phones and internet model visual entertainment. My mom and I talk on the phone, my kids it is a mix of talk and text. The grands act like the phone is an option that they can ignore and stay silent. They like FaceTime! At least within our family when we are in a room together conversation is still something we can all manage. We still have times where show and share your favourite funny video takes place and everyone digs for their favourite.

We have come a long way from the party line and phones with the cord that you could stretch out across two rooms. I will say those phones were meaty and you could hold in the crook of your neck while you made supper and did dishes. I mean you can use the speaker phone, which gives no privacy to anyone. I hear more and more, that people see no one and a phone may be the only link to any conversation. Maybe it is the decline in family size, maybe it is the decline in family itself. I don’t know, my parents dropped in almost daily for tea and conversation, but I was their only child to drop in on. They came from big families and this was something that they were able to incorporate. It makes you wonder about times of horse and wagon and there was one annual trip to see the relatives. Sometimes, the further we come ahead, the more behind we are. I’d rather speak to your face, than your ears. I’d rather gauge tone from your expression than the one I assume from your hastily typed message.

I lost it for a bit, I let my setbacks win. Being sick for a week really got to me. I am not 100%, but I feel the climb back out. What are your best qualities? Can you maintain them in the face of pressure. I was so inside my brain, seeing only from my view point. My day, my weekend, my Thanksgiving. I do not run an empty house, this is not a solo show so my selfish self came out. I think it is self preservation, rely on me… I talk about the branches and I am the last one to reach them out. I know what I need, I have a heck of a time asking. Not because someone won’t but because it won’t be like me. I postponed Thanksgiving because I didn’t feel well enough to make it and then was upset that I didn’t have Thanksgiving, makes perfect sense!

My rants in my head were out of control. I saw the Happy Thanksgiving on the TV and that is when I shut it down, the rant, not the TV. My brain had the nerve to say to me, what do you have to be thankful for? Too far brain, you crossed the line, we don’t do that here. I am so over the moon thankful for everything in my life. My kids, hubby, grands, momma, friends, family and pets! Life is hard sometimes, someone else has it harder. You suffer from some flu, some don’t recover. You weren’t sleeping well, some people don’t wake up.

I needed to calm down and show some restraint. The me today is better than the me yesterday. I want to keep that forward motion, everyday better than the one before. Be the happy in someone’s day! It rained but it didn’t gloom and doom me today! May all of your tomorrow’s be better than your todays. Enjoy your leftovers! Fakesgiving next weekend for us!

I am battling the flu, it is holding on to me. I don’t want it, I am good at getting better, this one wants to fight. Now I am getting angry, maybe I’m exhausted. Being sick is a waste of time, wasting a whole weekend. It feels better then gets worse. Days sleeping, nights coughing, it has to go! I am doing all the right things and it is still here. Today, after I have a nap because I’ve been awake since 4:30, I am going to do something. I am leaving the four walls and getting fall air into me. I am speaking against it and getting back to normal. No more gallons of water and naps!

Usually I can water, lemon, honey, broth, vitamin C and nap my way out. I am done waiting, back to normal now please. I’m gonna do fall things today. All the windows are getting opened up and blowing the germs away. I’m gonna walk in crunchy leaves. I don’t have a tree, but there are billions of leaves on the ground. I want a pumpkin, and fall wreath. Fall is falling fast, one minute it was green and now leaves are on the ground. The flowers are trying to stay alive! It looks cold out so I need to find all the winter wear, that sounds exhausting. I am sweating, do I have a fever again….

Ugh, good night, I’ll try again later…

I have a delay switch, I tend to go on auto pilot to get through a dilemma and then shut down afterwards. Crisis brain always steps up, but the internal aftermath is a mess. Confrontations are another matter, brain shuts off, I become mute, until some secret reset button kicks in. Fortunately this is not daily life. You also need to remember that for plenty of people it is.

Where do these reactions come from? Not everyone meets misfortune the same. What keeps us on this earth when things get real low? Why do some bounce back but others just can’t? Is it built in or learned? I have three kids and each one deals differently since infancy. I would have to believe that some is built in and some is learned. I have been stubborn and had the long fuse since I was a toddler. The story has been told how I tried numerous times to get on the couch and every time I would almost get the second knee up, dad would tease and get me down. Mom said I went at it for awhile, half crying, half laughing. Finally after the last foiled attempt, I toddled off. I was not done, I grabbed an over turned toy box, picked it up over my head and came charging back to take out my teaser.

You learn a lot from kids, ever been to a birthday party or been at the park and just watch? High energy, leaders, controllers, laid back, sobbers… it’s all there. Human nature forming, if you are raising littles right now, take them out and see how they are coping. Give them tools to navigate with, you are a back up tool, but they need to do it alone too. My generation wasn’t big on feelings. Love yes, crying nope, anger at adults yikes. Every feeling is valid, teach them to be authentic with their feelings. Sometimes we just need to be heard and be done with it. To feel value, we need to be heard.