Love is not something you turn off. It is emotional, constant, it is a driving force. Connection between people and things they love is not measurable. It is, it just is. It can push you and pull you. It divides people and it brings you together. Real love allows you to be your authentic self, tolerant, patient. It is very reactionary, whether it be because of worry, regret, fear or insecurity. Does not mean that it is right, but love is not perfect.

Over the years I have friends that have gotten to the bare bones of their relationships. Lots of things get in the way. Changes over your life span can sneak up and if you have trouble dealing with them, a relationship can suffer. It’s the built in commitment or loyalty that keeps people together. Some people are worth quitting on, some do not desire the work it takes to maintain connections. It can even be the constant rejection of getting someone to be more pliable. It’s hard to weather storms when others like lightening.

Love is almost like a hobby, you do it enough, it becomes a habit. Often, people have a hard time deciding if what is happening is love. Hurt people.. hurt people. They may not of been shown love, love doesn’t stay so they can’t commit. Maybe they have predetermined love isn’t worth the effort. I love easily, I see two sides to everything. Middle ground, grey areas, are common. Get off the fence, pick a side, always love.

What gets you out of bed? Why do you do the things you do? What gives you drive? I have never considered that I had a choice. I get out of bed, I make it and start my day. Unless I am sick and just can’t. It has never crossed my mind that I could hang out there all day, nor do I want to. I may go directly to the couch, but lay in bed for an extended period of time? No. Even as a teen, nope. Why? Well if my eyes are open, my brain turns on and the checklists start. Early bird, gets the worm. I can get so much done early! If my eyes are open, I am not tired.

Why do we want to get up? Right now the mornings are dark and it is starting to get cold, sounds glum. There must be some inner force that beckons to you. For years there may have been young kids and it was necessary. Nothing like a walk full of young art work, or a failed attempt of poured cereal. I woke up once to a trail of shampoo and another time, the baby covered in diaper cream. My oldest always beat me out of bed. One morning she came in the bedroom with the longest knife I didn’t even know we owned. She was walking very slow and careful the knife straight up. She was calling for her dad, it woke us up. She then pulled an orange from behind her back and asked if he could peel her orange!

I like my days, night is for sleeping. I like silence in the morning. I like my coffee. I enjoy my job, on weekends I enjoy my family and free time. My head hits the pillow, I am asleep. I have always been an early riser, if I try to sleep, I just toss and turn. I just wonder what it is that gets you up?

Fall is so beautiful! Rain is better than snow! There is a kaleidoscope of colour everyday. Sunrises and sunsets grab the colours and give them something extra. It is inspiring all on it’s own. Inside days are important too. You won’t melt if you do go outside. I want to make apple crisp. The huge bag of apples have been staring at me all week. It is not a hard task, I am lazy. I did get that room almost empty! I have been outside a lot!

I have six people on a list for October, that I wanted to see, I have two left. I am doing good! My November calendar is pretty full, but there are ten days before I change the page. Pockets of small happy projects are putting pep in my step. I have changed my perception once again. Been a bit of a yo yo lately. Little miss fix it in my head has come by and tidied up the loose parts. That’s how I picture it anyways.

You know you just get overwhelmed sometimes. It is one of those things you forget about. It is apparent more in hindsight. Looking for inspiration helps. I have lots of spaces inside and outside that are so helpful for that. I have people in my life that are multi faceted that offer so many different views that keep things in check. Ones with hard knocks, soft shoulders, rocks, rigidity, hope, reality, compassion and love. You are capable, you are worthy, you are fierce. Don’t underestimate your value!

With the weekend in sight, it is time to get loud. Just take off the professional face and find your inner child. There should be a theme place for adults. A jello pool or mud wrestling. A place to jump off stuff and land on big soft pillows. Long skinny tubes in the wall you can scream into. A food station with chocolate and marshmallows and obviously lots of cake. Then in another area, a zen space, huge aquarium and big plants. Soft lights with headphones at each chair to select music while someone rubs your feet. This room has the fruit, cheese and wine. Yup, I’d go there!

Anyone know of any good delicatessen around. I miss the deli’s at the Beaches in Toronto. A real good sandwich with fine cheese and kosher pickles, so many soups! I love soup, I rip up cheese and put it in an oversized cup, pour tomato soup over it. Food gets so boring to me! Once, me and one of my besties went to the restaurant and got just appetizers, I think six different ones. There used to be a place in the city where you could select a whole bunch of veggies, then the noodles, sauce and meat. They stir fried it all up together for you. I’m hungry!

Fun and laughter, just get silly. Get lots of sleep, wonderful stuff changes the composition in your head. Man caves and she sheds are great things but we need to go big. An emporium of delight. Why do we seem to have some sort of standard that we measure people against. You are grown, you can’t be silly. I refuse to conform! When I am in the schoolyard and play with the kids, all of a sudden you are the pied piper, everyone wants to play. That is key, everyone wants to play, they just don’t know it yet!

You can skate on thin ice all day long. You can zoom around living life. The hard part is existing. Being present in all the things that are happening. I got this, I got this, over and over. Then doubts come, well if this happens I will lose my shit, it’s okay unless this happens, one more thing on the plate and you tip. The plate is full, and you become part of the plate. You are now on someone else’s plate. Some helpful you were! Not for lack of trying though, not intentional. You were the buffer for everyone.

My dog is now a type one diabetic. That is the only thing I am saying out loud right now, other things are swirling but that one is now. I took the information I was given and fed it to the family members like ice cream, small scoops. Don’t give anyone brain freeze, save that for yourself. Complications, life span, cost, care, responsibility all little bites. That’s what moms do. Don’t upset the apple art, don’t through the baby out with the bath water. Sugar coat and smile damn it.

I had a lovely visit with a friend tonight and I said something about not tapping out because what if something worse comes along? She said, “ You worry about that if it happens.” There I am, in a nutshell, anxious about stuff that could happen. In the same breath, I am telling myself, there are far worse things that could happen. So I sit with my glass half full and my full plate. I eat the frog legs first and choke back leftovers and pray for strength to ask for the cookies I need.

First off, my grandparents would freak out that people buy water. Think about that for a minute. In 1996 we cloned a sheep, Dolly, she lived six years. It was a big deal! Then on December 26th, they claimed first cloned baby, named Eve, was born, but no evidence was ever produced. A lot of research has been done in the medical field and advancements have been made. Teams all over the world are working hard to to find cures and treatments for all kinds of things. You can’t always have access to them, testing is long and so many obstacles to get these types of things passed. We already have Sophia the AI, it has expressions, been on Jimmy Fallon, eye movement, full and life sized, created in 2016! More recent is chat GPT, that can answer any question, way more advanced than Google.

What does this mean for us? Well, I really don’t know, artificial intelligence should be capable of helping with advances. Checking data across several platforms and analyzing quicker than we can. This diminishes human error and helps focus on only getting better. Obviously I have a lot of questions. For my families own personal gain, it is slow, cures for blindness, diabetes, dementia, rheumatoid arthritis, just to name a few. Snail pace, but I guess good things come to those that wait.

There are still a ton of archaic practices still used. In comparison to my childhood though, we definitely have come along way. Every once in awhile, something from yester year makes a come back and it is always a surprise. We have many roads to travel. The ability to break away and increase cures could be revolutionary. I’m all for it!

When it is too much, what can you do? If your nearest and dearest took a stroke a week ago, what would be the things you have to do to cope? They are not working, you are not working, there is therapy everyday, where do the kids go? Who is managing your home? Meals, shopping for said meals, a moment to shower, travel to appointments. Your life can change in an instant, no one is exempt. How many mortgage or rent payments are you away from being homeless?? What is going to be most important? What are the priorities then?

Any one of us can experience life changing circumstances. How forgiving is your work place? Do you have immediate disability to kick in or a waiting period of three months? Is there people you can call upon to help you…more than once? Who would be your life line, carries a lifesaver or fishing line they will throw out as soon as you need it? It is funny what you remember after an emotional crisis, emergency, or life altering circumstances. Do you reach out or internalize?

We need a mandatory intervention, because people think they can. Something internal kicks in and everything keeps on keeping on. A secret for you, you will not take a break, you will not ask for help and it could go on until you drop. No one will even know because you won’t admit it. I look around at the people in my life struggling with something and I tell myself, they are ok. “You need anything, anything at all reach out.” The generic answer, “I’m okay, thank you though.” We need to stop that, both ways. Soup, flowers, gift card, a hand written note. Ask for a chocolate bar, a coffee, a kick in the ass, something, both ways!

You can’t catch on fire if you’re a dragon, that’s what my son told me. Perfect strategy. I read a poem in the spring by Siaara Freeman titled, “It’s hard to tell someone on fire, that you are drowning.” It held a desperation, that I understood at the time. Words can do that. I bought my graffiti lion picture last year because it represents something to me. I talk to it, I feel protected and connected. I love dragonflies because of the dragonfly story that explains that we move from world to the next and live in happiness. They give me peace. So many little things that I call upon when I need to.

I have a song from almost every genre that can change my mood. I have gone on hikes or visited beaches that can do the same thing. These same experiences can also make me cry, not sad, just free. When I can’t say things aloud yet, these are the moments that I can. It may be just to myself, and that is a start. I have stomped into puddles, leaves, deep snow and it clears my mind. Running into waves at the beach, lying in the sun, my feet at the riverbank, water is therapy.

When you need to feel, vent, drain or recharge I hope you have something that helps you do that. Human connection is essential, but make sure you connect with yourself. Find your words, figure out what it is that is blocking the ability to express yourself. The obvious, isn’t always obvious. Favourite blanket, sweater, sitting at a fire, sitting on a rocker or swing, learn how to draw out the poisons in your life. Eventually you will get closer to what you need in your life.

I have an incredibly bright room in my house, the sun shines in all day. I have wanted to overhaul this space for some time. I walk in and then walk back out. It is a lot, actually it is too much. I have set the timer, gone in and grouped like things together, sorted, stored, boxed, bagged. It is my nemesis, my reminder, my procrastination. Quite frankly it is a pain in the ass. The challenges of this room are beyond me. I have to run a wire for internet, much of the stuff is not mine. It is the cast off, storage, pantry room of no name. I want it as an office. I don’t work from home. I want it as a guest room, for whom, I don’t know. The grandkids have a room, so not for them.

What I want is the computer out of the living room and this bright space to be mine, all organized and comfy. I do not enjoy chaos and clutter. Sometimes I just shut the door, but the sun, I know I need the sun. Winter is coming, I need the sun. I hate the thought of just moving it to another space. That is not solving the problem, that will get the space done, but the mess will just be elsewhere. That is the real problem, and moving it all is the solution, or part of it. Just like that, I just solved my problem. I gotta empty the room.

Problems are often in more the one piece. I am sitting here laughing because writing it down, created step one. I have put it off all this time, because I want to organize. Organizing it is a different part altogether. I move the stuff, create my space, organize later. Quite funny actually, I am visual, writing it down should of been my first step. Well, seems I have a task to complete. Enjoy your day!

Go out, whatever that gives you pause, do it anyways. Don’t dream about a perfect day and do nothing. What is your perfect day? Maybe it is doing nothing. My 2am wake up is all about planning. I gotta do this and then I gotta do that, but make sure that blah, blah,blah. I wake up later and the 2am plan goes because I am tired. It is much easier to just stay home. So many factors to bring something to fruition. For once, forget the factors. Just do, for you. Especially if you are the keeper of the cheerios. Responsibilities do not go away, but they can wait.

What do you want to do? You can’t answer the question if you are already ticking off boxes of why you can’t do them. It’s hard to get to everything done to the allotted time we are given in our job, family, and life. You can certainly fill up your day with cleaning, laundry and dishes, that is not why you are here. You know that right? Is someone really critiquing you besides yourself if you don’t do the household things? Why are you doing it anyways? Are you expecting royalty, does someone come in and swipe your surfaces for inspection?

It is critical that you enjoy life. That looks different for everyone. You can not maintain health and happiness for yourself if everything in your home revolves around you. Hand over the responsibilities. If it’s just you, just stop, the world will not stop spinning. Just for today do something for you, no regard for anything else. Go now! Git!