I can’t swim. Doggy paddle, float, swim underwater, swimming on my back, I can do. I will panic and drown with the skills I have. I still go in pools, boats, dive into deep ends, but something with waves and far away shores, I would have a problem. Neither of my parents swim either. My mom would take me to a pool when I was little, and as a family there was a huge wading pool we would go to that started at your toes and went way over your head as you proceeded toward the center. My mom seemed terrified of deep water and dad never went out deep, that I recall. I still went to pools with friends, swam in lakes, just don’t come near me if it’s over my head, I don’t like being dunked.

One of our family adventures was Ontario Place. First time ever going on water slides! Now that is fun! I used the slides the entire time we were there. Down, wait in line and down again. I went down on my butt, feet first and back wards. On my stomach feet first, switch around and superman down. For hours, never got bored and hated leaving. Such a great day! I fell asleep on the way home, I was a tween but a full day of sunshine and fresh air puts you right to sleep.

Later that evening at home, my toes hurt when I walked. Upon closer inspection they were a beautiful light blue colour, specifically my big toes. If I pressed on the nail beds, they hurt pretty bad. I got momma to check them out. Up on the table, with mom inspecting my feet. Apparently going down the water slide, on my stomach, feet first, I had collected paint under the nails of my big toes. I can barely write this without clenching my jaw, wrinkling my nose, and reliving it. My mother dug every piece of paint out from under my nails with a needle. The paint was halfway up the nail beds on both big toes. I do not recall childbirth with as much sensory reaction as that paint chip removal. I don’t know how I stayed there and let her get it done. Maybe if I had of been an actual teen, when I was an ass to her, she may have been able to get some pleasure for the pain inflicted. It was torture, not the best close to a perfect day. I notice water slides now are a nice thick plastic. They also have rules for using them, some even ban certain ways of going down. Good plan! I was part of the trial and error generation, your welcome!

Someone asked me the other day if I thought they were a narcissist. Everyone has narcissistic traits, but if you are asking the question, that is the answer. A narcissist doesn’t ask about a flaw, they don’t have any, and they do not care about your opinion. They sit on the throne of their kingdom with no regard or even consideration how any one else feels. Like a King they poor on charm and charisma, they get you within their adoration and eat your point of view, thoughts and feelings. If you defy them, then it’s off with your head. They have an excessive need for admiration. They need obedient followers.

It seems to be the word everyone is throwing around this year. There is a ton of people out there that are insulting, belittling, needy doesn’t necessarily mean they’re a narcissist. When a person consistently exploits someone to control them, manipulates them, devalued others and hates when others succeed, flags could be raised. If a person is making someone sacrifice their needs and wants, abusive, and uses force, get out. They are very vengeful if they don’t get what they want, they act entitled. Relationships have a hard time surviving this dynamic, but although the relationship may be over, still people stay. Usually until the are diminished to a shell of who they once were, taking value from someone else also creates fear to get out and question their abilities to think for themselves.

It is remarkable to me the amount of slam someone receives for their inability to get out of any abusive relationship. Just leave, is not as simple as it is to say the words. If you don’t have any personal experience with this type of thing, you can’t judge. People are striped of their self worth. They are brain washed with derogatory words and attacks on their ability to do anything right. Most of your abusive people have a sweet and charismatic outer shell that fools even the most intuitive person. Many people don’t even know they are in danger until it’s too late.

Back to school is creeping up! I hope the era of low rise pants is over, high waisted pants are almost a blessing. It’s not cute with kids sitting in a circle or assembly with their crack hanging out! Alas we are bound by fashion. Rompers are adorable, but little girls alone in the bathroom trying to maneuver them can get tricky. Or drawstrings to keep pants up are in a knot because kids can not tie. Indoor and outdoor shoes can get expensive, so you send last years and they don’t fit and blisters appear after one gym class. The list of things to buy can get long and with more than one kid in various grades, it is a lot. I think we need a trade space on social media to get supplies. Fifteen red duo-tangs last year are now, three of each colour. We need a page to post our excess and trade. I bought duo-tangs one year, that when you actually went to use them, the paper didn’t line up and the fasteners popped off within a week!

Kids bring every colour of the rainbow in markers and pencil crayons, but bring a pencil case that might hold twelve pencils. I find a lot of the time, sets are coming unsharpened and it takes three days to complete the task, or worse, you sharpen them but the lead falls out when you try to use them. To the parents that send Kleenex, thank-you! One cold goes around and twenty plus kids using Kleenex and it’s gone! Food containers that are hard to manage or everyone brings an orange not peeled, and there goes the lunch hour trying to get to everyone, so they have time to eat.

It’s a busy time of year, but do give it a little thought. If they can’t tie, velcro shoes work great. Can’t do buttons, elastic waists are fine. Momma’s of boys, maybe a urinal chat is in order. Pants to the ankles to use a urinal, isn’t the way to roll. Your darlings are leaving their home and you want it to be the best experience, do remember they are one of many darlings. It’s like a marathon, you gotta train, try a test run… pretend you are them and determine what problems you could encounter. Be sure they get lot’s of rest before the big race. I never understood why school starts after a long weekend, families are stuffing all those last minute things into that weekend and kids can’t stay awake on day one. Most kids love school, so do I, it is exciting everytime!

I can be milling about, and be fully annoyed and can not figure out why. Just a mood that gets me stomping and muttering, out of no where. Everything has me rolling my eyes, not even trying to get past it. Maybe we need this, I am pretty sure it is a reset for me. It makes me bring focus back to myself. It usually stems from my own neglect. Putting off conversations, trying to organize for my day or an upcoming event. All the unsaid things that I never get out of my mouth. Then one day I wake up and I can not vocalize what I need, what I think, or even ask for help. No idea why? I can think through it, I just put everything aside for far too long. So instead of doing what I need , or saying what I am thinking, I am the peace keeper that I feel I need to be. I am not, I am not everything, there are parts that can be done by others. Control, letting it go, it is hard for me.

How do we get around all of this? Well you could try going for a drive and screaming really loud or punching a pillow repeatedly, pretty funny, can you imagine? Really you have to learn to talk, sounds simple enough. For me, I wait too long and have not gotten an exit pass from one set of obstacles before moving to the next set. I see the glass half full and think to myself, it’s fine, it will work out, no need to overthink it, and keep plugging through. I plan too much, I am my own cheerleader, I give myself permission to be excited, visualize how it’s gonna go. This is the exact same reason I don’t like change. My mind’s eye and reality don’t often meet. Do I lower my expectations? No, I got this, until I don’t.

I worry about, stressing other people out to my own detriment. I am human and I really need to take my own advice sometimes. Hubby is best at slaying the annoyed dragon. He can coax out all the words and start driving a hatchet into each obstacle. Then I have the best friends that listen, we sure need listeners. Sharing deeps and darks we need that, people know stuff, they have been through stuff, not telling you what to do, but what they did. It does take time to find these people, staying home and raising kids or working from home, you don’t have a lot of people to bounce your ideas off of. I hope you have someone in your corner that can do what you need to unleash all of it. People need people, even the fiercely independent ones.

Sit down, put your feet up, put your head back, close your eyes, take a deep breath, and blow out hard allowing your body to deflate. Take one minute, five, twenty if your lucky. Give yourself a break, the laundry, dishes, , cleaning, meals, and the humans that rely on you are not going anywhere. Family means, no silence, no space, and that is a gift. Just one minute, before you hear, “mom” or “honey, where is my…” It’s okay, it will get done. The world will not stop spinning because you sit down for you.

Pampering yourself doesn’t have to mean spending a fortune on self care. Slap some mayo in your hair, honey and baking soda paste on your face, soak your feet in a vat of water and blue mouthwash . Lay outside and look at the stars, sunset, sunrise. Take the kids for a walk , with a bucket and get them to collect treasures. Bring a book and stop at the park. You don’t have to run all the time. Walk, saunter, crawl, even lay, kids need that too. Making shadow puppets on the wall, get them to act out their favourite book, dress up in costumes, let them put make up on you. Simplify, a dollar store magnifying glass and a net, can buy you thirty minutes in your own house or yard. Let them paint rocks, vegetables , their own bodies and stamp paper.

No, it’s not easy, for anyone, even without kids it’s not. Two days off a week never seems to be enough. So what, you didn’t get it all done, it can wait. You know, you are not a slob, you are not lazy. You are tired, my kids are grown, I know when they are tired. I see my husband and know when he’s tired, you need to recognize it in yourself, but more important, do something about it. Learn to stop, sit down, put your feet up… you know the drill, sit down for you.

1Corinthians 13:4 in the bible, delves into what love is and what it isn’t. It is read at weddings, including my own. We attended meetings with the preacher prior to marriage so that he would marry us. Neither of us had any upbringing in the church, so the agreement was to attend some meetings with him first. He was the perfect guide, he told us about the passage and we were sold. Love is about more than relationships with your spouse. The umbrella that love covers is huge. The one that is in charge of that love, is the one holding the umbrella. If you love that person, your umbrella may need to be a circus tent. It include the clowns, the monkeys and all the riff raff under it. It is the kind of contagious this world needs. You start being selective about who is allowed and you might be standing alone. Love is about loving and accepting everyone.

In the secular world, well it’s just about you. Your moral ground, your personal value, your measure of what is acceptable. People accept this more and more because they only answer to themselves and are not letting the big guy down. The perceived portal to Heaven seems narrow and the rules surrounding entry is interpreted as slim to none. This is not a religion rabbit hole it is about love. Although they are parallel on many levels. My husband and anyone carrying my DNA , or raised by me get first dibs or hold fibres of my heart. Everyone else is in my circus tent, some have their own act there, some just sit in the audience. Some times people switch seats, or move to the main act. Sometimes people are waiting in line with a ticket or a special key.

My wish for everyone is to have a healthy heart. No damage, no blockages, no breaks, never stops. Love is what you make it, just like life. You choose, they are your choices and yours alone. Your love can be discredited, rejected, abused and forgotten. You can also find new love, one that stays with you and never gives you doubt. Aim high, and don’t forget to love yourself.

Someone asked me if I thought the world was ending, with all the fires and flooding going on. Although jokingly, I was taken aback. For those experiencing this, their world has definitely been affected. Two feet and a heartbeat means keep going. As I sit through another grey day, if I am still here tomorrow then it counts for something. Grey can pull the light out of your life, seasonal depression hits me every year. These blank spaces that pull at you are one day at a time kind of days. Bad days, attract bad mood and can suck you into the drain. You need to look around for the good, I assure you, there are far worse things. There are people that have it plenty worse than you.

I am an empath, and I can adopt others joys and sorrows quickly. Hubby and I were out to dinner and there was a gathering taking place at a table near by. Someone arrived and there was squeals of delight and hugs exchanged and even tears. We got caught up in the moment, watching and returned our gaze to each other with big grins and tears in our eyes. We laugh about that quite often. You can inhale someone’s devastation just as easily. Probably why I don’t watch the news. Getting fired up over the injustices of the world serves no purpose. You can only control you and your world.

Make changes for the better, people get caught up in the, “It’s only me, what can I do?” All the positive changes you make in yourself, spills over. Who is watching, who is being impacted by your example? Who sees something and is led to do something about it? Why do we do the things we do, if you are passionate about something, there is a reason. Sure you can sit on your duff and wallow but nothing will change. Everything starts with one, good or bad. Help yourself, change will come.

Literally, for as long as I can remember, I tiptoe. Walking upright, like I have ballerina shoes on. As a child it was to be quiet, when you’re an only child, you‘re quiet, you get the place to yourself. When I was a teen, I walked on them to avoid my pant cuffs, for short people there was no pant consideration for us. As a mom, it was for the babies. A house full of teens it was to be a ninja, these qualities were imperative to find out, who was in, who was out, who did homework. The ninja thing stuck, I know all the squeaks in the floor, I know how to place my foot in the forest, my personal challenge, personal best. Competing with myself for quiet mode.

I still do it sometimes, you get eyebrows when you walk around like you have on imaginary heels. I used to tiptoe through my problems too, avoiding confrontation, conversations, emotions. At some point you have to plant your feet on the floor and stand your ground. This has to be learned, it’s not natural for everyone. Tiptoeing was easier for me, it has been with me since the beginning. If you don’t have to do hard things, there is no problem, right?

Eventually keeping this posture hurts, the ability to be silent isn’t serving it’s purpose anymore. It exhausts you and you have to put your feet down. Having an opinion, making a decision, being mad or sad are yours, you don’t need permission to have these things. Everyone has them, right or wrong. Everyone views confrontation as a fight, it really isn’t, it is just two people offering g different points of view. It can be a fight if one person can’t sway their position. Agreeing to disagree is real and better than tiptoeing away. It is better to at least be heard, then maybe you will be able to sit down and put your feet up. Don’t carry that backpack full of junk, travel light, be a ninja.

In grade three, I had the most amazing teacher. I had a handful that stand out over the years. She was new to our school, young and happy, always doing the extra stuff. We were going to do a Christmas play called the Littlest Elf. Guess who was chosen to be the elf? Me! Now I would do anything for this teacher. I had to start the show, walk into the toy makers workshop crying and announce that there wasn’t going to be Christmas this year. We rehearsed, I had to wait outside the classroom and when she started playing the piano, I needed to burst into the room sobbing with my line. After three or four attempts of not being authentic enough, I was sent out again to make it look more real. In the hall I drudged up some sappy stuff to really cry. I had it all worked out and burst into the room with real tears. My poor teacher ran from the piano to soothe my torn soul, explaining that she was sorry that the part was so hard for me. I tried to explain that it was acting, but I became a toy maker, with a small line.

Christmas concert night, back then they waited for parents to be done work. I had my place on the stage, hammering toys, no tears. It was great, I kept peering beyond the lights for my parents, but it was hard to see. We got through our delightful happy ending story, and went to the front of the stage to receive our applause, just in time to see my mom coming into the gym to watch. I was devastated, I was glad I didn’t have the lead role, and I never let momma forget it. Sorry momma…I had stage fright for years after, but forgiveness and age changes everything, and I will thank momma for that too. Love you mom!

If I dive into this, why didn’t I blame dad? He was there, he would of been the the solo driver at the time. I can’t for certain recall him there. Why did my poor mother shoulder that blame, why didn’t she, in turn point at him? Oh mommas, why do we shoulder it? Going forward with my kids and grandkids, I went. I would leave the school I worked at to watch my grandkids at another school, because now it’s often in the daytime. If I can’t be at an event, I will say so as a heads up. My grands are in a lot of sports and I can’t go to everything. I heap lots of guilt on myself for this. Mom and dad had one kid, I had three and over a dozen foster kids in ten years. Parent teacher night was a marathon for me, maybe a relay race, where you didn’t drop the baton, ever! Parenthood is pressure, we are not perfect. We are an easy target for our children, because they feel safe to unleash on you. Forgive yourself, they do grow up…eventually.

I love seeing the growth and change in people. Perhaps it is their mindset that has changed or maturity, but even physical change, a flattering hairstyle they have or finally wearing colour. Inside change is always the best. Someone that has always been negative seems to shine, A quiet person finding their voice. Sometimes seeing a person for who they actually are, what you never knew about someone that alters your impression of them, explains so much. Meeting new people and learning their life story, it’s part of the draw of genealogy that I enjoy.

Kids are the best though, ones you have known, watching them year after year and watching a personality develop. One and two year olds are an open book, molded by their parents, no blinders on. When kids turn three they form a union and have their own rules. Each child is different, they constantly show you their heart before they become moody teens. Every stage is awe inspiring as they develop, humour, creativity, moral conscience and then goals. It is nice to witness these complex little people in their journey.

Laughing or crying with people while they share their passions or their traumas, human connection. Delving into someone’s history in their narrative, everyone should write a book. Even if the book is for the family, to pass through the generations. I recently read an obituary of a person I had known, but I didn’t. Their story portrayed in those few paragraphs had me in awe of quite a life! It makes you wonder what people see of yourself, not judgement, but what shines outside of you. Always strive to be the best version of yourself, leave a footprint behind that make others want to be better. It is the only way to make this world a better place.