I am different! On self reflection and comparison over the past three years, this year is different. I don’t hyper focus like I did before. I’ve tried to decide if it is tied to the weather and I must admit, that still plays a major factor, that is not gone! It absolutely has to do with coping. I am not burying my head in the sand. My circle is the same size and I try to spread myself evenly without being too thin. I attempt to have something to look forward to every month. I certainly speak, which I find I had become silent the last few years. Not following my own advice! A lot of my compulsions are semi silent, and I even have let some things slide, that I wouldn’t before. Even though my lack of sleep still exists, I have actually slept more than I ever have in the past.

Is that the secret, more sleep? Am I putting on blinders to the doom and gloom and not dealing with reality? Maybe I am shrouding my heart to protect it from damage. Keeping away from the nay sayers? It all just may have been too big for me to even realize, something triggering negative emotions. I don’t know, but it has been good!

Peace is in my life. I try to avoid the foreboding feeling I get when things go well.. When anxiety sneaks up on me, and it does, I stuff it down until I can vent or talk it out with someone. That is a major part of my problem, I would save it all up for certain life lines in my circle, and I just don’t see them enough to get it out in manageable bits. More of a waterfall, and dominos. I have turned to hubby, he has been instrumental in this transition. We have always conquered the world separately together, but we are more of a team this year. I need to allow myself that, not get buried under all of it. I am taking a page out of my son’s life, borrowing his rose coloured glasses. Life is good!

Emergency rooms are on trial, seems everyone is a judge. The stories are quite shocking. Let’s look at ourselves for a moment, I mean everyone has something to say about the injustice and non debatable loss of life! What is your role in this? First, what is an emergency? ABC, airway, breathing, circulation…. in that order. If the airway is affected, if breathing is impaired and severe bleeding that needs immediate attention. These are emergencies! If you have a severed limb, been impaled, smacked your head and now can not stand or see, if you need to be sewn up, need a cast or have severe pain that keeps you from being upright…probably an emergency.

I also know, seeing a doctor, especially your own is now a two week process. After hour clinics are always busy, takes more than seventy redials to get through. The newest solution is the evisit, some know it as Maple. More recently the turn over with doctors retiring and taking off from the maritimes go to the big cities is a real issue! I have a family member with strep throat wait more than three days to be treated, it isn’t fun! Definitely not a trip to the emergency room. Getting meds, cold, flu, not a trip to the emergency room. Babies with fevers, diarrhea, puking, unless they are dehydrated, cough that affects breathing or a fast spreading rash… stay home. If you are in doubt, call tele care, they will advise you if you should go or not. You don’t want to help cripple the system. Can’t remember the last time I was to emergency for myself, may have been an X-ray pre Covid. Can’t get those at the doctor’s office.

During Momma days, I spent a lot of time there! My youngest had croup every winter and ended up there overnight until I learned to treat at home with a cold mist and puffers on hand when the temperature changed. Same child broke a bone a year, had pancreatitis, uveitis, keto acidosis more than once, Bell’s palsy and a car accident, should have had his own room there for all those stays. Believe me, I question no one, but myself. We have to be pretty untreatable to go sit in emerge. I don’t want to burden the system, and I sure want a functioning system if I need them! I can’t imagine showing up for something you know is beyond your control and are unable to be assisted. We have had some serious situations arise within our family and would hate to have delays. I wish I had the answer to fix this. So many of our systems are stretched thin, we are wearing down, surely something can be done.

I didn’t know my generation was called Generation X, I knew about Baby Boomers. I had heard my kids were Millennials, and just learned my grands are Alpha’s! This stuff is pretty interesting, and everyone has an opinion about the other generation. So I asked why is my grandkids generation called Alpha are they considered superior? I was told because they ran out of letters. We did generation X,Y, Z, so we switched to Alpha and the next will be Beta and so forth. Apparently Alpha’s are the most technological generation born the same time as facial recognition and Ipads. This is the generation completely born in the twenty first century. Admittedly this is the generation I feel old around. They know nothing of the Twin Towers, when you ask what their favourite show is, more often they reply with their favourite You Tuber instead. I also find when you ask them about what they want to be when they grow up, the answers are so broad. No more doctors, lawyers, nurses, teachers, instead some lean towards fame, marketing and internet based jobs. With no one yearning to service our generation, we could be doomed!

Our lovely generation is considered the most independent, probably because our baby boomer parents were working and we raised ourselves. Depending on the demographic baby boomers were also hippies! I felt my generation was rebellious, or maybe it was just me. One description of our generation, equated us with popping Prozac as the norm. Frankly it is all a little much. Stereotypes for everyone based on when you were born!

Like I said, I didn’t know I had a label. Generation X, kinda sounds like a generic prescription! I will not be joining this group. I am not much for brand names. I like what I like. I buy what I want, I am who I am. I promise you this, my great grand kids will not be inferior to the generation before them. When you are born does not disqualify you from any singular accomplishment nor should it have an expectation attached to it. Behold the unique person you are. Your past helps to design your future, you can’t really replicate that.

I had a dream about babies, so many babies, I couldn’t help all of them. There wasn’t enough of me, I couldn’t meet all the needs surrounding me. I don’t dream very much anymore. Seems this year, the dreams are coming back. Dreams are not all bad, they are where I can hear my dad’s voice again, I can visit my younger self, you can get a do over! Those dreams are harsh, there is always something going terribly wrong in those dreams and you have to go through all of it to the finish, but then part of your sleeping self says, “Not today!”and you get to change the dream and the outcome! Perhaps that is why when things start to go real wrong in life, we have to check and see if it’s a dream, or rather a nightmare. Also as you go through something awful it seems to slow down and it’s almost like you are looking at it from a third person. We can not change real life, there is not an option for a do over.

We can try for a second chance to change something, but there is no rewind. We did an opinion writing with the kids and someone choose that life was important. The next part of the assignment was to provide four examples with proof. Most kids chose dogs are better than cats or hockey is the best sport, they sound easier to me. The life child, then provided a list of all the things that make life important, like a really, really long list! There was a lot of editing, it wasn’t wrong though. The love of life was apparent, how can you fault that. For assignment purposes we had to weed out and narrow down until we had the most important. A child’s most important and our most important are vastly different. Sometimes it surprises me. I love that though! When a nine year old decides to have an opinion on something huge! I used to talk to my kids and now my grands about their views and opinions. Conversations that let them be equals. My grandson called me one day when he was maybe three, it was before Valentine’s Day because I remember asking him all about his cards for the event and who his crush was ( probably his teacher). I remember him asking for a sleep over and thinking it was odd his Mom would let him ask being a school night. We closed our conversation with all the love and we hung up. His mom called me a few minutes later and asked if he had called me? He had gotten her cell phone saw the icon for phone, seen my picture and made a call… they know stuff folks, earlier and earlier.

We need to channel into that curiosity, foster it, mould it, build it up before the world gets its hooks into them. All the other influences out there, you are their one and only first! Use that time, it’s the best time to solidify the relationship that carries you through the rest of their lives. Kids tell family first, you need to be their go to.As they get older conversations get harder. That’s when you will need to listen without reaction, some stuff is hard to hear without putting in your two cents worth. Start doing that every time, they just won’t tell you. Other kids will be the confident, and worse other kids will be the advisor, cute at five, not so much at thirteen. They will turn to friends over you at some point, it is part of the process, but the longer you are able to keep their attention, the better their moral compass will be. No one reaches adulthood without mistakes, and you do want your voice to be the one they hear when spreading their wings and the one they will miss when you are gone.

What do you want to be when you grow up? I was gonna be a Forrest Ranger, a Detective, a Writer, a Teacher. First in my family to do secondary education, knew nothing about it. Never went to University until I was 35, never heard of Bursary’s or Student Loan , or even Scholarships and I graduated with honours in Science and English, I didn’t even go to graduation. Graduation in Ontario was October and I had already been to college. I took a Real Estate course that I paid cash for and was a Real Estate agent by October. It’s hard to sell houses at 19, when you look 12! I could be a professional student, seems fitting I am in a school. September is like New Years and summer is my soul twin!

My kids got a little over 10 years of me at home exactly what I wanted as a mom. That was my wish as a parent, to be the parent, didn’t wanna share my kids, I wanted to see all the firsts, and I did. I love to write and I was hooked after having a poem published in the Sun paper in Ontario as a kid. I wrote a poem for each of my kids when they were born, I have 2 books started, I like to dabble. My mom has an unpublished book on the shelf, she dabbles. My dad was a story teller. His childhood with his 7 siblings, ghost stories, fight stories, family events, history, war stories, I thought he was in the war! Stories were an event of their own, taking life and shape, some with sound effects on tape, some with a boxing lesson, some in the dark. I borrowed some of that for my own, driving down a deserted street in the middle of the night to tell some creepy story and then pretend the car wouldn’t start. My daughter lives on that street now! Imagination is an awful thing to waste. Childhood is not just for children!

We are too busy now a days to enjoy little things. Don’t let it happen to you, allow yourself to think back. Never let the childhood flame burn out! Growing old is only on the outside. With age comes wisdom, that’s a crock! Age makes us settle into patterns and rhythms, stealing our spontaneity. Sometimes we need to do just because…just because.

You know when toddlers put on the biggest boots they can find by the door and wobble around, everyone laughs and gets a picture and then discuss that they have big shoes to fill? Or how about the little one that stays in at recess in kindergarten to get the number three right? The child that joins a team and stops the game when a member on the other team gets hurt, to help them up. The one in the store that repeats mom, mommy a thousand times, you are ignoring them but in frustration finally exclaim what? Just for them to say, “I love you!” The same child that punches his sister for not carrying his back pack, but also punches a boy four years older for bugging her. The one that turns into a steely teen, stubborn as you are. Rude, nonchalant, moody but will still say “love you” in front of anyone.

After the teen angst, and a thousand moments that causes more grey then needed, they have no reservation to pick you up and carry you around, claiming how small you are. Or nicknaming you Little Buddy, because now that you are older you cry a little easier. Meanwhile you have trials and moments in life that are hard. Your kids do too and there is no shortcut through it. You do get to a parallel and you flow along in comfort. There are really hard parts we get to! Ones that seem insurmountable, sometimes we are just an observer not knowing how much or even if we should help. Brutal to hold hands with a younger version of yourself through that. We just want to absorb all the hurt, be the bridge over the pain, slowing the toxic thoughts they have about themselves or life in general.

Then there is perception. You see through your eyes, your mouth might say otherwise, you evaluate damage by your standards. Deciding how you might deal with something if it were you. Guilty! I am glass half full, but I have doubt first. I choose middle ground to get others up, sometimes that has me on the wrong end of the see saw. In most of us we root for the underdog, maybe not having real faith at first, but as they claw upwards, it starts a fire that everyone stands around and slowly the cheers build… My son is blind, black, darkness, both eyes. Today I came home and he was in front of his computer, with a full page of code in front of him, that he had written! Today, “I can’t” , doesn’t exist.

I have the travel bug, to be fair our southern trips were always planned this time of year. When I was a child, summer we went to New Brunswick and then when our kids were children we always went to Ontario. Then when my girls were teens, we would go to Maine on shopping trips. Finally we planned the ultimate trip to Florida! We drove, it is approximately 30 hours, depending on who you talk to, you drive through I think it was 14 states. Our kids were 10,13,14 and 16. We had a portable dvd player for our van. We stopped in New York and Georgia for the night on the way down, it had it’s pros and cons and I wouldn’t change a thing. I was sold on the south after that. Skip winter! Yes!

The first time we did the south kid free it was Vegas, we flew and rented a car and drove to the Grand Canyon and Hoover damn. While away on that trip we planned another trip less than a month after for Mexico! Both trips were planned without a travel agent, and we went with friends. We made mistakes, didn’t know anything about checking bags or airport transfers. Vegas not such a big deal but not having a ride to the resort after landing in Mexico was a huge safety concern and ended up being quite expensive. We learned about airline food and airport food. Layovers, VIP, online check in, and how to pack! We did Mexico again a few years later. Such a beautiful place, beach is incredible and the food is outstanding.

Our last two trips were solo, Cuba and Dominican Republic. Dominican was just before Covid crippled the world, well my world and it was a relaxation holiday just to sit in the sand or pool and dance and sleep, we did it and did it well! We actually had an additional holiday planned to go to Vegas again that was cancelled with the Covid crisis. Now Cuba was my favourite, we went on several excursions. Jeep through the countryside, swimming in an underground lake, speed boat up the river. The food was more conservative but there is an embargo with USA, so not all things are available. I felt the safest in Cuba of all the places we had been and they love Canadians! It had the most incredible beach, white sand and we spent a day walking to the tip of Veradarro and back, the water was the most amazing colour. By far the busiest trip, but so nourishing for our souls! We talked about going south this year, but we will wait an additional year and then go. We will still vacation just not south. I think summer will be here soon this year!

I work with kids, I love my job, it makes me crazy and so very tired, but I do enjoy it. Making a difference, one kid at a time. My daughter used that in a college interview! There are patterns in children, they are all different, but they seem to follow the same mile markers. Their abilities are so varied and I feel a lot of school success can be credited to the consistent schedule and predictability of the day. Patterns are great for getting kids to adulthood. When there is a shift in schedule or several days off in a row it is so apparent who struggles with change. That would be me, first and foremost apparently change is hard for me, being flexible… ouch.

Children that are flexible definitely struggle less. Not that there is a lot of variables shaking up the school day. The start of a school year some kids settle into the days quickly and then the learning can begin for them that much quicker. When kids struggle to get the daily pattern and they are constantly worrying about what is next, learning is not where the focus is. There is nothing wrong with that at all. With youngsters they are not so good at regulating their feelings or controlling their emotions so when they are overwhelmed it comes out in messy emotions.

Emotions and reactions are what kids are all about. Regulating their emotions with a peace and calm approach. That is skill, hell that is talent. You need your reactions to inspire your littles, to motivate them and give them confidence. You had parents, you know what they did that emptied your tank. You know the words they said that deflated your heart, pride, esteem. Even more important and hopefully more in your experience you know what they did that made you better. That guided you to be your best, try your hardest, succeed. That’s what the littles of the world need, a compass, to navigate through the overwhelming bits in their lives!

Self is selfish! I think it is necessary! We are constantly bending for everyone, not always reluctantly. Sometimes it is expected and even essential. We do because we are and that is okay, and it is okay to stop. I give you permission to allow yourself to take time for you. I know you don’t need permission but it may seem that you do. It shows mutual respect for others to have approval. You do what you want, and you should feel good about it, allies in your corner, nods of agreement! Being you, without having foreboding weighing on your mind. Doing something for yourself without looking over your own shoulder. Completely relax, knowing full peace!

It is not selfish, we would just go all the time, never seeking solace and reflection. I am not talking about chores, household duties, but being available to others. You know that most of us take on other peoples things, their lives can pull you in and that is great, but not a detriment to your own sanity. I am not asking you to turn your back on anyone, just step away for you, set aside time for just you. Give to yourself, putting yourself first. Maybe for some you read this and you are already there. That is fantastic, I feel that too. I also remember the days when the kids were little and consumed all of me, they stole my space, my intimacy, my toilet and shower time. I welcomed it! I also miss it, as much as they seem to rob your sleep and your ability to eat on your own or even complete a meal.

Now this chapter of me, has me out front. I have time and I see you, and I hear you. All of the things we deal with are going to be there, they will wait or someone else will intercede for you. Do you think if you were to pass away tomorrow everything you are responsible for would also perish? I assure you not. The responsibilities you carry around would be transferred elsewhere. You need to train your replacements, think about that. If they can’t find something without you, if they are so completely dependent on you, what happens when you are not there? What happens? That is what you are setting them up for, coping, survival, self pacifying, most important they need to see that you look after you, they need to learn that too! We leave an impression on everyone we come in contact with. If we are lucky perhaps we give them tools to enhance their life. A good tool is to make yourself a priority, without guilt, without anyone making you feel selfish. Always love and love yourself first!

I remember when cherries were the most expensive fruit and certainly not available all year. I don’t remember eating a fresh cherry until I was an adult, maybe not even until my kids were adults! They still are quite expensive! Food prices are ridiculous! A food/fuel benefit for seniors is available once per year, roughly this time of year for $225. Not sure how you choose, obviously it won’t cover either bill. I haven’t had a winter hydro bill under $200 in years. Groceries? I just got 2 bags full for $128! It’s real bad, and I am not sure how to fix it? We have a growing season of two ish months and we are not on a farm. Freeze or starve?

I could go way back, chips or a chocolate bar was twenty five cents. You could get everything Momma needed at the corner store, prices might even be cheaper than the grocery store. This year is off the charts. Two bags of chips for $8.50, good old reliable Kraft dinner is over a $1.50 a box, so is a can of Campbells Soup?? They raised Minimum wage, they made daycare more available.. huge gains for families, and then they jack our food prices out of the park! Two loaves of bread, $8.00, milk, three bags, $7.00, losing an income in your home could have you homeless in a heartbeat. It is really scary, worse than that, I know people that are truly scared!

I truly hope if you are blessed that you remember your fellow man. When someone reaches out, I hope you are able to able to throw a life preserver. I hope you are helping, even if you are the quiet one behind the scenes. Help does not only mean money. My wish is that you can have an impact on someone worse off than yourself. We did a Turkey drive once at a school, hand over hand, assembly line to donate turkeys! We did a mitten tree another time, anyone could take a pair! Helping is not only for Christmas, and there are plenty of foundations doing something for someone. Plenty of local places in your own communities. Find out what they are, arrange to do something with a group of friends or coworkers! My wish is that everyone be involved!