We’ll weather, the weather, whatever the weather, whether we like it or not. Minus forty six with the windchill, I’d rather not. It is business as usual, praying that it will be spring when this is over! I am cold right now, I have one child floating in the Caribbean, and one just texted to say the power is out! Too cold for that! I have fallen asleep twice today, I am in full hibernation mode! Really this winter has been kind until now. Stores were half full this morning during errands. Not a soul outdoors, nor should there be!

It is a new day today, it is amazing what a shower, a breakfast made by my husband, and eating with my two men this morning does. I am sitting in front of my Happy Light now, might need sunglasses and I am laughing at the absurdity of it. I can hear my husband and son playing Yahtzee, my son is winning apparently, according to the shouts. My husband is so competitive I am surprised he doesn’t cheat. He would just have to tell my son that his roll was nothing. I can tell he hates to tell him when he gets Yahtzee! They enjoy it even if my son does win! Who knew that Yahtzee would be the game of choice for the blind, so much more of a game of chance when you have to trust your apponent to tell you what you have rolled. This winter is different, one that was built to tear us to shreds, has changed us to depend on each other so much more. Learned a lot about myself, and I am not invincible, I do need others for my survival, who knew..

Just control what you can, coping skills kick in, you can do this. Our space is always going to be invaded about the outside world, you can’t block everything. No one else can feel your feelings. You have to let others in and help. I always say, “Ask for cookies” and the most important part of that is….take the cookies. We can help ourselves, sure we can! Sorry to say, you have to admit… I need you! It is not a fault to need someone. Someone that shelters you, or covers you a little bit from some of the stuff coming down on you. At the very least listens, all the things you need to say out loud, even the things you don’t want to hear come out of your own mouth. Don’t give up, and if you are someone’s someone, don’t let them give up on themselves. We have a lot to learn and we are worth it and we are here to stay.

After 35 years I find myself rolling back the timelines to pinpoint definitive changes. Not life changing but things that happened within my life time that marks better. There is always stuff that stalls building from the ground up and I would like to note that these are important peaceful times that just slow things down. Not everything that prevents change is bad. Raising children, being a partner and being present in your relationship is work, rewarding work, not obstacles. In the beginning getting your feet rooted takes time. Then feeling safe in that garden lets you relax into building from there. There was a time when we would move and it always seemed to happen after the last box was unpacked and then we would pack it all up and make a change, moving on to another spot. When we first moved in our current home, I was apprehensive to unpack the last box, it remained taped for two years so as not to jinx it!

Remodelling and renovating was put off for additional years, there were kids to grow, there was places to see, there was always something. We were busy people, functional space surrounded us so it made no difference. We were discovering the world with our kids. Our kids were our first priority. Somewhere along the way, our choices for our home became purposeful. Items were selected, based on functional and practical, paint colour became our choice instead of the childhood flavour of the week. When I shop, I like to touch things, feel the texture, check for softness, see if it stirs up happiness, especially after the Covid Cootie years. I like pretty things, natural things! I like to surround myself with items that I truly love. I have clutter places in my home, mostly tucked away. Almost like that taped box from the first years. Stuff I don’t need immediately, but also can’t part with.

I think I am selective because number one it doesn’t hold value, like the people that actually make our space the home. When this place is filled with our loves, that is the time the heartbeat can be felt, the echoes of the past and glimpses of the future peer out at us. The house is alive, you will miss that! Not for lack of intention, full time jobs, winter, sports, quality time within their own families, various work schedules, lack of planning. It happens, it is always easier when the weather gets better. Maybe I can bottle it with the berries and preserves, to store for the cold dark days. I can open a bottle a day in the winter, one on my bedside table for nightly talks to Momma. One for my sons room so he can gab with his sisters all day long. One on the dinner table so we can all be together in that space. Winter might be getting to me a little bit today, can you tell? Tomorrow is another day closer to spring!

If life were simple, nodding would suffice as affirmation to a question. It isn’t though, it goes in through the ears, into the brain, gets the gut response, then it has to wallow through all the negative and positive emotions that follow through the scenarios that play out in your mind. For me it does anyways, before it was based on what others thought of me or even if they thought of me at all. Now, not so much, I know my trials, my life is bigger than what you see, most people’s lives are! Multidimensional, the ultimate 3D puzzle! Think what you like, you do not wade down my path, nor do I wade down yours. The funny thing is, when you get into someone’s life details, it is so surprising what they are actually living with every day. No matter what you think, no one has it easy! One of my close friends growing up had it all, looks, money, brains, never studied for anything, but was she happy? That is the million dollar question, happiness is a hot commodity!

Things can happen in your life, early on or even later, that impact everything else. These reactions may not happen right away, sometimes they are triggered. You have no idea what triggers or even motivates some people! You may not even know what they are for you. Happiness can not be bought, this so true, people reach for more and more, but have nothing. If we were all stripped down without the life lessons or experiences, maybe our reactions would be the same. Alas we are not and you should not wager on how someone will receive you. Not judging a book by the cover spills over to humans as well. Believe me, the whole human race is judge and jury on every one they meet regardless. My hope is that people will form an opinion on actually interacting with someone, and maybe even on the third or fourth meeting. If I can give a restaurant a second chance, surely we can give people one too!

This also shines a light on us as well. So quick to judge those that form quick opinions. They have layers too, they may have things they suffered that you have no knowledge of. Perhaps they have a history of being judged harshly, or not judged at all, so they have nothing to measure themselves against. This goes back to the saying that babies don’t come with a manual. If reading people was so easy, there would be no mental illness, anguish, anxiety or depression. Some people don’t even give any thought to what makes them tick, and sometimes it is the ticking of the clock that makes us dive into ourselves. So many stages in your life, at some point you do need to focus on yourself. My wish for you, is that you find what makes you happy!

I sit at the back of the room, I like seats that face the space, I am creeped out to have my back to the unknown. My vantage point, I see plenty. From this spot I see the manners, the respect, celebrations, the struggling, and can insert myself where needed. Lately I have been witness to the silent. Do you ever watch an infant when their parent come into view. Some reach, some squeal with delight, some of the firsts are in-chase of the favourites, parents are in that category, right up there with food! Catching candid moments of this bond, this yearning is adorable. My son as a toddler, would stand at the screen door awaiting his Daddies arrival. He would bounce when he came into view, hollering “Hi!” over and over!

Much like these affectionate moments, we catch glimpses of the not so nice, usually just a small snippet of character. No one likes to be caught being unkind. I once went around the corner when I was a teen to take the subway and interrupted a couple arguing. The man was not so kind, and he had a firm hold on the woman and dropped his hands and stepped back as I came around the corner.. leaves a bad taste in your mouth. Now little kids, sticking out their tongue at another, but then are hugging the same child within moments, they hold nothing in, lacking impulse control. The meanest thing they come up with is the infamous Birthday Party invite, even if their party was yesterday. The problem solving is not complex.

I work in special education and I love it. I love the real authentic child without the filters. The one that yells out their feelings, especially the happy feelings, so infectious. When hugs really count, when a Kleenex is a clean up and start over prompt! When success is a high five and a sticker. When they hear that is great so much, that they repeat it to those they feel have done their best. When your repeated praises are now the ones they say. One that really got me in the feels was a little one, that constantly held his hand out when his bus mates got off the bus to go to the middle school. The ones exiting the bus could not see his reaction, as they were on their way off the bus. But you know when a hockey player puts the puck in the net and skates off and does the ching ching arm movement in celebration? That is the motion he did in his seat after any kid gave him that simple high five. That was his accomplishment and he celebrated every time, without anyone even knowing. I love all of it!

Ever notice how children turning three will stutter? Their minds race with all they know and what they wanna say. Add expanding vocabulary and they stammer with explanations, stories and responses. We are in part to blame. They mumble and fumble and we just want to problem solve, let’s face it, fix it and move on. There are dinners to make, other children to tend to, an appointment to get to, the list never ends! Maybe get them to pause and then and get down to their level and hear them! Listen with all of you, your eyes, a steadying hand, make a connection. They just want to be heard.

Kids do not rush, we tell them what to do constantly and how to do it. Sometimes the speed of these requests are the only thing they can control. Once you give control back to them, most comply so much faster. I know, I like me some control! Independence will do that to a person. We are in a big rush to get them grown, when they become independent we get some time for ourselves again. Some people still believe that children should only be seen and not heard, that they should only speak when spoken to. You know the ones, they raised perfect kids, and tell stories about how they made their grown child cry at the last family dinner.

Micro managing things is too much! They are miniature people, don’t devalue them. Don’t let others devalue you them either! Step around them in a line, like they aren’t there. I would allow my kids to purchase something and watch from a distance. Social skills, wait your turn, ask for what you need, count out money..make mistakes. Unfortunately there are people out there that are annoyed with kids, demand respect, and do not give respect. They need to learn how to deal with that too, with respect. Have their backs, when they deserve it, and accountable for what they do. Kids are the hardest thing to grow!

I have always wanted things to be even, my brain says you need to distribute evenly. When renovating or decorating two makes more sense. It doesn’t but in my mind it does. Symmetry is visually appealing to me. That is how I see it with inanimate objects, now add people. I work in a huge class with a ton of kids. I had three kids of my own. Nothing symmetrical in either of those situations. I think if you give what is needed, when needed that helps achieve equality among groups.

Your presence is always essential, but someone is always in the light. When you are recognizing the one in the light and at the same time you are trying to drive the ones in the shadows out to reach their potential, that creates the balance. It’s like making a huge dinner for a large group of people. Some have food sensitivities, some will not eat certain foods, someone is arriving late. The older ones like traditional food, the younger ones have issues with how things touch on the plate. You are the conductor, the orchestra is huge, you start low, bringing in each section of the strings, winds into the presentation. You raise the music up and bring it back down to the close of the song. The meal is the same, you know which vegetables take the longest to cook, you know what can appease the nibbles until the meal is ready and you have the best dessert to end the meal.

It is the ability to to give to those that need the most at the time, that creates a uniform space. It’s hard to learn that “the same” is not balance. Also, “not the same” is not unfair. The spectators are always screaming about how others are being treated different, that there are favourites. It is so easy to watch from the outside and say things are not equal. To recognize needs and soothe them when required is balance. To stabilize the balls in the air is to keep things even! It is the unbiased that can see the value of this skill.People love to point out when you drop the ball! They love to compare and criticize, even if they have never juggled! We need to shut that down, we have people we pay to judge. They are the only ones who have the right to. You need to turn deaf ears on your critics. Maybe hear them, but recognize they may not be right! That their criticism is not coming from a place of love.

My fuse goes on for days, it stretches around furniture and goes out one window and back in another, it goes up and down the stairs, behind the sofa, you get the point? It takes awhile for me to blow a gasket. Sure I get miffed, annoyed, ticked, but real angry takes awhile. Mostly I stuff it in the couch cushions and sit on it for awhile, so that it gets hot and bubbly and is no longer contained. It’s rare, it doesn’t serve me well, I find stone cold anger gets more results, unlike uncontrolled fury.

I believe assertion is more valuable than aggression. Let’s face it, not much is accomplished when you lose control. How can you advocate for anything in that state? Angry people just make more angry people or scared people. Just not helpful! I talk, maybe not in the moment, but take it in and then talk it out. I also clam up, when everything is loud and angry, my brain turns off. It is an old coping strategy, might as well fight or argue with a dish rag. I say nothing, I can not think. Mostly I want to leave, part of me wants to duke it out. I was a true, flight, fight !

Maturity is a good thing! Deep breaths, shake it off, move away for a moment, stay silent for a minute. Then try again, it’s a good thing to teach kids. Breathe, vent, move on. You can not change anyone or anything except you. Worry about that person, number one! Anger serves no one, solves nothing. Reactions need to be kept in check, response is where it is at! Make sure the response is respectful and made with love!

Do you know how many things I have missed out on because of fear? I am not afraid of spiders, snakes, heights or being alone. I am afraid of the unknown. I like to know how things work, I like to be in control of my environment. I base my decision before I even try. Sometimes there is just no rhyme or reason to it.

I have zip lined across a river more than once. One of those times, I had to be rescued because I didn’t make it all the way and stopped short of the platform. I thought it was awesome and would do it again! I hate riding on the back of a four wheeler, I will not jump off a bridge into water. I can go up in the CN tower, I will hike or swim in underground caves. My rationale buttons seem to be askew. Terrified of riding a horse, but will hold reptiles and pet wild animals. I really don’t get it.

It is all fine, we are who we are! For me, it is the regret, the lost moment. I know some of my stuff is irrational, but some is just fear itself. I actually worry more when I watch others do stuff. My daughter is an awesome mom, when her daughter gets nervous she just simply states, “You are gonna regret it.” That is what I need to remember, if it is not a deadly deed, just do it. I have always wanted to go on one of those four wheel water bikes or a Catamaran, opportunity has come and gone. I regret it, I need that do over! My brother in law was gonna take me on his Harley! Backed out, missed out, regret it!

For me I think I need to make the decision. No pestering, no boss or insisting. If someone said, I am gonna do this on __ day, join me? Then let me have time to decide, with no influencers, I would have a better chance of saying yes. Some things, just saying them in my head is a huge screaming No! I know that I will get out on a catamaran and a Harley. I also know that I will never jump off a cliff into the water below. I also know, never say never!

So if you are about resolutions and you have made goals, Bravo! If you have not, or already dropped them, good try! I have started a Joy Jar, everyday I write something specific that has brought me joy. On a specific date, you pull them out and reminisce over these accumulated moments. You can also keep track of what prevents joy and then decide how to avoid hurdles in the way. Implementing exercises to help recognize time wasters in your day so you can be your most productive self.

Brain space robs me of joy! I am guilty of not taking time to deal with things throughout my day. When you don’t say what you think or maybe feel about something or if you don’t ask for help, you can not move forward with certain things. I mean brain storming should give you a solution, ultimately that is the point. If you find you are constantly pointing at others and giving them the power to be your obstacle, then you are not taking any ownership.

You are your advocate for change, for reaching your potential. Sometimes you need to put things aside and delegate so others can take over for you while you do the things you want or even need. I used to insist on making my own sandwich, because I couldn’t trust someone to make it the way I like it. Let people practice being you, let them try on your footsteps. It will not be 100% you, but perhaps a close second! Then maybe for a minute you can grow and be the you, that you strive to be!

We have so many things that just are in life, that you never think to see it any other way. Everything we do has just been, and we do it without question. When we challenge the same old, or when someone asks us to see it another way, it is so foreign. My dad used to do that, and now my son does. Why do we have time change, why do we have calendars? What if there is a parallel universe? What if we removed money as a motivator?

I recently decided not to be buried. It is totally out of character for me. I always assumed I would go in the ground and have even tried to narrow down where my final resting place would be. This fall, after standing at my Dad’s grave, it just came to me. I would never want my people to stand at a stone and look for answers. To have some place that you are pulled to, or feel guilt about not going to. My dad is not there! I have gone, looking for solace, refuge and maybe even found it. I do not need his grave to find it. A picture or a memory can do the same. Mostly I feel loss standing there.

I want to give blood and donate my organs and my ideas always seem to take others by surprise. I like different and I like practical. I am always dreaming up foundations to help others. Usually ones that would be created after the times in my life that were hardships. Life changing moments that you know others will experience. Wouldn’t it be nice to be part of the solution, in someone’s dilemma? It starts with one, right?

Maybe in a parallel universe, there is a version of my self doing that right now. Did you know that New Years used to be mid March, and that some countries don’t have daylight savings time? If money prevents us from doing grandiose gestures that could help our fellow man, perhaps the elimination of money and just a person’s desire to do good, would make this and all of us better people! We can do more, and for this family Be More.