Have you ever made Sun-dried tomatoes? It is a very low setting in the oven. The tomatoes soak up all the flavours for hours. The last batch I did over night, twelve hours. They were infused with all the spices I had added, they looked fantastic and tasted even better! Perhaps that is what winter is for me. Testing the flavour every once and a while, not committed to a certain time. When you think it’s time, but give it a little longer, the result is divine. The pattern or time frame is never quite the same.

I bought myself a new planner the first weekend in May, my last planner ended in 2021. I had to compile all my scraps of paper to get this one in motion. First steps are always important. I still ran the show, but there was no extra. This month there has been extra, my mental checklists were put on paper and I have slept in for once. I baked, cleaned, started a project, shopped, visited, joined conversations, purged, and planned.

I haven’t really been present, except work, that is always in the forefront of my brain. Writing it down works so much better for me. I am on track again and am trying to make sure I make myself a priority as well. Freeing up space in your mind is liberating! The pull of the little checklists, give me motivation I have been lacking. Playing music is always a self start I need, helps drone out all the other noise. Feet still haven’t hit the ground yet, really running hard to stay on top of all the stuff.

Summer is coming and that is huge for me! Nothing better than, no shoes, heat, water views. Most important time, lots of time, burdens feel lighter. Sunshine lights up your mind, your heart, and brings happiness for no reason. Feel the freedom! I just crave time and freedom!! All the corners will have no shadows, just warmth. Can’t wait for all of that! Bring on the happy season!

When I was eight, we left our apartment building to move into this adorable four bedroom house. We lived there for four years. Some of the best times were there. The backyard was huge and I built a fort from scratch, that my folks allowed as an eyesore for two years. I spent summers in those two maple trees, in an extra large 7up t-shirt and baseball cap. I also spent summer vacations trying to capture a grey squirrel! The trap only closed on it twice, but it got out both times. Two of my closest friends lived on my street and a set of triplet boys. The girls and I played Charlie’s Angels. The boys and I got into trouble playing in the train yard at the end of our street, and we once ate a whole box of chocolate covered almonds I was suppose to sell for a school fundraiser. I did go door to door at first, but a doberman chased me! First time I jumped a fence, I guess it was stress eating.

I had an amazing grade six teacher that taught us the Hair song from the Beatles that we performed. I learned to ride a two wheel bike, bright green, flower seat, still have a scar and probably still the gravel in my knee from my first crash. I found a cat on Halloween that was orange and black, right after my Momma received a call that her Grandpa passed away. I raked leaves to make money to buy it food, and mysteriously there was a can of tuna at the end of my driveway! We tape recorded plays we made up. The trains that went by and the planes overhead were perfect sound effects for our elaborate tapes. I wonder if any of those tapes are around?

Then there was talk of a move to Scarborough. Nice townhouse, new community. My parents were all in, I was not! Apparently there was an application process, sorry Momma, not sure if I told you this. They were very excited, they filled out the first application, I stole it, threw it out at school. The second application, I ripped up and set fire to it in the charcoal Hibachi, with the help of one of the triplets. My parent’s had a fight about the misplacement of the document. The third one, I hid under a placemat in the living room. They found it when we packed, the fourth one they were on to me, and did it in secret.

We have lived in our house for 31 years this summer, looked at a few places over the years, but the haunting of that move has always kept us here. That move was life changing. Turning 13, going into eighth grade? Well that’s another story!

I never want the ones behind me to struggle. The precedent that I have set, I hope is easy to follow. Your family and friends watch you. Don’t set the bar too high. Allow failure, no one is perfect, people falter.

I have been watching the Olympics lately, more recently, I have been watching it in French. Why? Because I don’t understand what is being said. I guess, I could mute it, but I like the excitement. I detest the commentary. These athletes have endless hours invested, and are picked apart. Although I do find when a fellow Olympian does the narrative it is always good! Some of the observers doing commentary tell you personal stuff, irrelevant to their craft. Injuries, yes I get that. Creating drama and details of their lives… it’s not a soap opera. When it’s over and athletes watch the tape, I wonder if they are mortified with the story they couple with their performance. The criticism, it must be so hard on their self esteem!

The commercials are inspiring, people filled with pride. They all deserve respect. The families and competitors all seem supportive. Getting a medal is the goal, being there competing is just as important. I can’t imagine the constant pressure.

I’m sure they are there because they love it. The negative narrative must take the joy out of it. My kids joined what they wanted, they left if they wanted. We have had some screamer coaches, doesn’t make for a good time.

If anything, I am learning more French! The stuff I don’t understand is probably stuff I don’t need to know. The emotions are still there, you can read elation and defeat without words. I am sure their own inner voice punishes them enough. They don’t need help with that. Bravo to all the ones who have participated! What a true honour!

You may think you are insignificant, that you don’t matter, it is untrue. Everything you do has an impact, creates a ripple. Maybe you don’t see it, it isn’t apparent to you right now, just wait. Every action you take, creates a reaction. It may not be today, but you leave a part of you with everyone.

You need to be mindful of what you are giving to others. You can’t lose with kindness. My mantra is “Always Love,” hard sometimes to put into practice. People will remember the bad far longer. When I was a foster parent, I told the kids that they came with a blank page. Their history was second to what I learned from them. I only gauged our relationship with what they brought to the table, starting the day we met. My judgement wouldn’t be marred by others observations and perceptions of them. That is typically how I view most I meet. I am a horrible judge of character upon first meetings because of this clean slate mentality. However, if I am wrong, it is because I have it revealed to me, not by what others say.

Being a parent, working with kids has the best rewards. Mostly because, it comes back to you. You meet up with grown people that are elated to see you. It takes a minute to register who they are, hair is different or full beards, taller than you, toting toddlers. They always have a story, you are the hero in that story! You have a lifetime to scroll through to remember that moment. For them, that moment was a game changer. Sometimes a constant that kept them going every day! Do not give up your smiles, your pet names, your go out of your way moments! Connection is so needed!

Beyond family, I also have been impacted by so many things in my lifetime. My neighbour at twelve asking me to babysit. It was there that I found my writer’s voice. Her cup sits on my desk, that cup will be 42 this year! Many of my teachers over the years left words in my heart that changed my not so worthy path. Even this year, a coworkers unexpected hug. Another coworker telling me I was her role model.

Never think you are unworthy. Always know something you have done has left it’s mark somewhere! Those families you helped out that no one knows about, you were a small change in their life. The child you brought over to play, you knew it would be twice the work but did it anyway, it matters. It matters, you matter, the world needs you, you are loved!

I went out to find Winter! I have no backyard. My dog uses the overhang on the house to get there, I don’t think I will fit! Not sure if she can see her shadow, so I will deem it four more weeks of winter, that’s a win!

I got snowshoes for Christmas, I will see how they work out. I like snowshoeing. More recent years I have borrowed the bear paw kind and enjoyed it. I went once at night during a full moon with coworkers, so much fun! As a teen, I went with a Venturers group I belonged to. It was the first time I had ever been. The snow shoes were the old wooden ones. We had travelled up to northern Ontario to a provincial park. I had a faulty shoe. So my snow trek through waist high snow was one step on top of the snow, next step, my foot would go through the hole in the snow shoe and sink waist high. It was quite a hike, I got piggy backed and hauled out on a sled for the hike back. Felt like I dislocated my hips, could barely walk the next day! Still a great memory!

Maybe we can dig down to the ground and have a little fire and drink hot chocolate. Nobody will know because the snow has to be four feet high! Then we can make a tunnel and sleep in it with my groundhog dog! Sometimes when I’m in, I’m all in!

I would like to see St. George in the winter. It is beautiful in the summer, but I wonder how the building with the mill looks in the winter! We went to the ice caves a couple of years ago and saw someone go down hard on the ice. Not sure how easy it would be to do a rescue in there! All injuries aside it truly was a beautiful spot!

Most of my bucket list stuff is summer based. One winter thing I hope to do is go to the Ice hotel in Quebec, or the Winter Carnival there in general. I will make do with what I have, and make plans for more. Dreams are hope, glad to have it back!

I haven’t been outside in 3 days. The last time I was outside I saw three Robins, a Chickadee and a Woodpecker. sounds like the beginning of a bad joke! The amount of snow we have gotten is crazy! I mean it is winter. The birds were a blessing, a promise of Spring. My oldest messages me with the new sunset times. She knows I need to hear it.

My friend reminded me how fast February goes! I know it will, not sure if this snow will too! The fact is, I am at peace with the weather. My internal clock feels a difference. For me, that is important. February was always our get out of winter month, but sadly not currently with all the restrictions. I have set that aside for now as well.

Time to go back to basics and embrace winter! Wintery walks are in! I will slap on some snow shoes and get out there. Snow forts, snowman are fun. I don’t have a sled, skis or skates anymore. Not about to take up downhill at this point! Wouldn’t mind a wintery lodge with a big fireplace to go to! Wouldn’t mind trying ice fishing, or maybe a day trip to see some ice formations!

I am not a fan of travelling on crappy roads. I don’t like extreme minus weather. Snow is beautiful! I do have my limits. I like being a spectator of winter things, Hockey, Olympic winter sports! I will make a promise to myself to make an effort this season! Maybe it will go by even quicker!

I hope you all find your Yang! Maybe it’s a thing, maybe it’s your person. Most important it is your balance! When you are tipping, it keeps you from hitting the ground. It restores your soul. It fills you, it nourishes you. Inspires you! It is the thing that keeps you grounded.

Moments that you stuff down, making you implode. Trying not to explode! If you are not easy to be around, you need to fix that!

Moody? check

Irritable? check

Angry? check

These are not boxes you want to check off.
Step one, communicate. This is not something new, we all know it. Horrible bad habit to keep it in. Say it! To someone, write it down, post it, to yourself, in a journal.

Step two, problem solve. Just like when you brainstorm, fill a page with speech bubbles. Pros and cons. Write down barriers, Talk to the person in the mirror, advocate for yourself!

Step three, remove the guilt/ negative and fear. There are a million reasons why not. Silence that! Try and try again!

Step four, visualize success. Big picture. The finish line. This can be for anything! If it’s important to you, it is important. You are the only one you need to keep happy, it overflows, but starts with you!

Every day is a new day. Start again, and again and again. There is no failure. Failure is not trying at all!

Sometimes we lose our way, that is okay! You are the star of your own show, no matter how many retakes you need! Just do it!

Dear Me;

I hope you read this in May. You see you made it! It was hard, winter always is, you know that by now. It wasn’t different than any other year. You always falter and come undone in winter. It is important for you to remember that January girl! You need to take the steps now, to prevent her from returning. Now that the days are longer and you aren’t sitting in your recliner, go and see about her. Winter will return and that will not change. Dark days are not for you!

I know you feel great right now, hands in the dirt, the spring drives! Getting outside, hikes, a little chilly, but the birds are singing. Dreams of summer, just around the corner! Beach pass is bought, it is cheaper before the long weekend. Probably have a few overnighters completed!

Smiling while I write about it. Rolling in the memories of it, promise of summer! It all feels better after winter. No more pretending, genuinely happy! That January girl has no place here! You can not get rid of January, but you can fix January girl!

Work on you, to last the whole year! Your empathy can’t stretch big enough in the winter. You can’t carry the world when your foundation has holes! Best time to fix the foundation is when the weather gets better! This is your point of reference, take note.

I don’t know where my mind is? I feel like I am waiting. I don’t know what it is I am waiting for. I can’t plan, I am only in the moment, just the one I am in. I am claustrophobic in my own skin. Avoiding everything, just a breath away from a complete mess. It’s dangerous to ask people how they are feeling. Do you wanna know, do people answer with their whole heart? I don’t, can’t, I don’t even know. Feel trapped, winter, lockdown, looking for silver linings, they are not silver, they are deep grey, dark, hollow, long narrow corridors. Hope is there, somewhere right?

Last winter was mild, short, this year… January is three months long! No warm places, everyone is spent! Everyone is so done, with no options. I do know it will be better, right?

Even children look beaten, low. I guess we wait. Mysteries are not my favourite. The endings are good, but in between, figuring it out. Creeping around, waiting for the bad thing, or the hero. Not knowing!

What is the secret to get by it? or through it? I am digging so deep right now. Reaching so far inside to pull all the strength to the front. I want to be a cheerleader for all my people, they deserve it. Got a damn perfect bunch around me. I may be leaning a little hard lately. Linking arms hard with the ones around me, stealing a little peace here and there.

If you are also feeling a little bit rough lately, I feel you! Dig deep, we can do it. Limits are being tested, crank your tunes. Get yourself into something good! We have to be close to something good, there has to be something better coming!

Kids and grown ups alike will often get the words tangled or substitute the wrong word. I think language is learned so fast our mouth just can’t keep up. Grown up’s minds are racing and we just can’t noun sometimes.

My husband once was discussing ancestry with me and replaced ancestors with Grandsisters. My brother was trying to remember the hot stuff he uses on Sushi and finally blurted out, ”You know! Kimosabi!” The word he was searching for…Wasabi!

Kids do it best!

“Who buddy bought, my new brand boots?”

“ I banged my headfor!”

“Look at all the flutterbys!”

The ones with a story, Make my heart race a little bit! My son was outside and saw our neighbours son out in his yard. He asked me if he could play with him. Not noticing him out there in his fenced in yard, I told my son maybe another time when he was outside. He said, ” No, hims outside! See him! Over there in him’s cage!”

My daughter was awful for her observation’s and just blurting out things. Telling me to look at that fat lady, who was very pregnant. No really it was bad, her third year I almost left her home…so embarrassing all the time! She blurted enough things that left me mortified!

I find myself still reverting to some of my childhood words

Snowmadoo=skidoo or snowmobile

Butcept=Except

and I have to really practice saying abdomen… I usually end up with abydobanem or some variation.

Somewhere I have written down all the cuteness and mortifying things. When my oldest went to University, I sent her with a notebook. At the top of each page I wrote family little sayings and memories, like she would forget us or something! Anyways, for me, important stuff!