Yo-Yo, most leaves are off the trees now, very effective mood shift. I realized that trauma does not have an age limit, 8, 18, 81. Things you never heal from and also don’t acknowledge, can pop out at any time. Triggers can be subtle, things you never thought of, weather, conversation, rejection. Bygones be gone and carry on. Now is the time to catch yourself. Figure out your “whys?” Or maybe, “What the hell is wrong with me?”

Why do we remember painful things? When I was a kid, I climbed up the monkey bars. We had a set in the schoolyard shaped like a dinosaur, sloping up from the tail. You could walk up them from the tail. Somewhere around the shoulders, I missed a rung and I went down through the bars hooking my diaphragm on the way through. Totally knocked the wind out of me and I laid on the ground trying to cry with no air. Took probably fifteen minutes to recover and school being out, no one was around. The air gets in and breathing is automatic function so it happens regardless. Another time I went sledding, Dad found a fantastic hill. Down I went, no clue how to steer, zoomed into the woods and slammed into a tree. Dad yelled if I was okay, and I hollered back that I broke my back. He carted me up the hill and off to emergency for six hours and an X-ray that showed a severely bruised tailbone.

You can get slammed with stuff all the time and call it near death. If you aren’t dead, automation kicks in, and you live to tell about it. What doesn’t kill us makes us stronger, so they say. Certainly makes us wiser or a least we might learn from our mistakes. Automatic body function is kinda like auto pilot, good thing it is built in. When in a crunch, comes in handy. The body does need fuel and appendages to carry out tasks. Family, friends, community are useful in the same representation. Use autopilot if you need to, but make use of whatever you can to get out of survival mode. No such thing as a surplus, your body is a sponge taking what it needs, don’t deprive yourself of that.

Mothers know things beyond the realm of understanding. My mom called me immediately after work and whispered things that only resonate with their children. They woo the things that only the two of you could ever know. I asked my son the other day if I ever told him about the story, “ and don’t you forget it?” He had not. At some point in time before I was eight, Mom and I went to a store in an unfamiliar area. A man was looming about this particular establishment, muttering to himself. He half followed us on our way in and loomed around us on the way out. His mutterings were low, but just before we got into the vehicle, he bellowed, “ And don’t you forget it!” What it was we were not suppose to forget, we were never told, but the phrase stuck. Several times over the years one of us would bellow to the other this same phrase. It locks us to an untold story, a puzzle we will never solve.

Mothers are like that, completing puzzles, sharing parts of stories that only we know. Half bits, whole bits, the only ones that know all of our untold bits. Mothering can be thankless, and hard, maybe even have us part ways. Travelling through our lives on alternate journeys. They do know us, feel that or not, it is okay. When I turned sixteen, Momma asked me if my bags were packed. Not the birthday greeting I expected for my sweet sixteen. I stared at her blankly until she explained my constant promise through the tough years of leaving at sixteen. Sometimes you horrify yourself when held accountable to your past.

Life goes on, growth happens, paths separate numerous times in our lifetimes. Families, divorce, death, illness all complicate our journeys all the time. Life is messy, perhaps you shut down, or maybe move on. Your focus is not focus but someone or something keeps you tethered. Celebrate every win, move past the negative. Somewhere in the dark, someone bellows… “And don’t you forget it” and it grounds you, brings you full circle to carry on.

Is the stress you feel bottled emotions? When you bottle emotions and they remain ignored, they will get out. They find a way to seep into the spaces around you or within you. What do you think they do inside of you? They tear up your sleep, they increase acid in your belly, they lock up your muscles and they distort your view. There is solutions to every problem, we often ignore the solutions and ride on the sanity we have. My problem is and continues to be getting the words out of my head and into my mouth.

I have to make the words in my mouth louder than the words in my head. It plainly is an old habit that crops up. I have it until I don’t. I don’t like rocky boats, I like my feet flat and like predictable outcomes. I like to succeed and see others do the same. Maybe I haven’t felt this way in a bit because the water has been calm. Perhaps the water is only getting in a little bit and it is only the soles of my shoes getting wet. Push out of your comfort zone and then realize you actually are up to your knees. You are now committed to getting to the other side or drown. Just yell out, holler help. It is not failure. Self reliant people hate asking, they never could so they don’t. They do learn but starting across the water again, they hold off with determination to overcome … and then they are up to their knees.

Nobody is a mind reader. We have a culmination of all our roles. I recently read about a family and the wife worked and took care of the family. Made appointments looked after all the tasks around the house, cared for her family and others, gave her time and energy to everyone. Not because she had to but because she believed nobody would be able to do it like she could. She knew everyone’s needs and how they liked things. She passed away, a maid was hired, a nanny, an accountant. Someone else made appointments, someone else gave to those that needed without her. Life goes on regardless of what you think. These things could have been implemented before she was gone. Who is your mental health 911? Are you someone else’s 911? Make the voice in your mouth louder than the one in your head. Sorry folks you are replaceable, won’t be you, like you or maybe even as good as you, but the checklist still remains after you are gone and things will still get done.

Hot damn! You know when you know the things you need to know? It is a valid question. We all have things we have to work through. We can pretend we are on it, or going to be on it, but what is real? What is really going on? I could laugh at the intense disregard we have for our own feelings. Seriously? Plough on, keep ploughing on, saying we got this, thinking we know. Time to fess up, we don’t, we hope we do, but nobody knows with one hundred percent certainty. Wing and a prayer we got this. Am I right?

I was watching an underdog boxing movie and the intensity we give to the underdog, sends us to absurd proportions. Nobody really has to lose, we can all win! Last man standing means something right? Maybe it is the person that just tries the hardest? What else do we have? If you cut to a karate type movie it is kill or be killed. Good Lord the old stuff is brutal. What is now? What defines last man standing? Integrity? Honesty? Effort? What should it be? No really, I want to know what people think is stamina in 2024?

I am still here! Surely that means something, this drive thru world, it has to mean something… loyalty means something. If you muster courage and strength to keep on keeping on, without being a martyr, it has to mean a shred of something. White flags are for war, why do we always feel this fight? To persist, to preserve, to stay true? Will our next generation be as steadfast to our plight? We can only hope we put the bug in the ear of the people who need to hear! Go team!

I’ve gotten myself on the back burner again, I did read two novels in two days. I don’t think they were good for me. You have to be careful what you surround yourself with. Everything is at the forefront of my brain and to save my own peace, I am allowing it. I am pro at cleaning it up, cooking it up, wiping it down, stupid errands. I do it all, grudgingly. I am not saying shit about it, I am back to waiting for my turn, why do I do that. I have made plans over a dozen times this year and then let them slide away. It isn’t procrastination this time, it ‘s guilt of being selfish. When does that end?

My job is one in which I am level all day. Grounded, patient, calm, that’s how the space stays a reflection of your careful control. Come home quiet listening, take care of all the things. If you see me in my car on a quick errand, I am scream singing angry songs. I have regrets, regrets of everything I pass up. Promises I make myself, “ while I am in town, I will…. Just for a minute, for fun.” I don’t, supper has to be ready for five, the dog needs a needle at 8, or whatever else I put in front of myself.

I save everyone’s sanity, except my own. I had it down pact, I will get there again. Frustrating to say the least! I am still exhausted from that flu or whatever had a hold of me. I really think that is the problem, even when I was sick, I didn’t put me first. I did more if anything to keep the germs from getting anyone else. I need to be honest with myself and acknowledge that I need help. The bowling balls are gonna land on my head. That will be some kinda vacation eh? I’m disorganized right now, it will all work out in the end. First,I will get some sleep, things are always better in the morning.

Everyone has their fears, snakes, spiders, heights, even small spaces. How do we measure our fears? Are they all irrational? Some people just do, everything, no hesitation, just go at it. Are we easy to separate? I am not scared of most things, more scared of unknown things. I think snakes and reptiles are cute. Most bugs don’t frighten me, unless I think they can hurt me. I used to be extremely claustrophobic and can be, depending on the circumstances. I find stress triggers most of my fears. Any of my particular oddities are elevated by stress. Bee’s, wasps still terrify me but I can hold it together better nowadays. I hate June bugs, but this year I grabbed a bunch and threw them to the ground when they were gathered at my lighted entryway and I wanted to go in. Even hubby was surprised at that one.

Is fear learned? I developed a ton of fears after I had kids, most are gone. Putting someone else first often makes us face our fears. There is strength in protecting your own. I would brave plenty of things to save someone else. Probably with no thought to personal safety and putting myself at risk. I have auto brain and if fight or flight is activated, I do what I do and lose it later. I purposely set myself against my OCD and I am okay. If I am stressed, I can’t do that.

When I was in my early thirties, I went to University and I was talking about the chances of being hurt or injured. A young girl said to me, “ I don’t know about your God, but my God won’t let anything happen to me.” Life changing words. Even with or without God in the equation, belief does have a huge impact on our reaction to things. Chances, statistics all play a part, simple odds, maybe something will, other side of the coin, maybe something won’t. Better to live your life thinking they won’t, instead of wasting your life thinking they will!

Perfect weekend, the temperature allowed the outdoor things to get done! Being out of commission for a bit, this is what I needed. I can’t conquer the leaves in my treeless yard, they are not done. It has been productive. Fresh air makes for a great sleep. The moment the work week ended, I was ninety percent outside. Fall is my second favourite season. Usually Sunday is the feet up day, but I can’t sit still. I feel reminiscent of so many things, my head is full of daydreams and plans. I will be in bed early.

I started watching a new show, but I pine for the written word. Time for a new set of books to fall into. There is no escape like the one a good book provides. As a kid it was my escape. I was always plowing through books, always had trouble putting them down. There is a huge change in kids when they are learning to read, another world opens up and getting lost there is never one I could argue with. Someone reading you a chapter book and having to wait for the next one, is worse than commercials on TV. When you are able to finally read them yourself, it is freeing. An adventure nobody can stop.

Someone asked me what kind of book I like, I can’t answer that. I am not bound by a genre. I like a book I can’t put down. One chapter either pulls you in or it doesn’t. I like when it hits you off guard. I like connecting with the characters, relatable or admirable, fierce or colourful. I like when you need to know more, a depth to the story that is just beyond reach that makes you turn the page. A story that makes you question how you feel or rethink how you perceive something. The page and words are deeper than what you can see. Give me sarcasm, give me rebellion, power, humour, give me a notion to be different. Actually, give me some titles… I need at least five fabulous reads!!

Costumes have changed, your child can be four million things by the tap of your computer keys. As a child, we had plastic costumes with no shape and a horrific mask, that you could neither breathe nor see out of. You wanted something different, you made it yourself. In grade four after our school wide culture fair, I wanted to be King Tut, I made it myself, there is no picture. That is the only costume, I remember. The picture above is Mary Had A Little Lamb, the last costumes I made for my kids. Then it was buy and borrow. As teens they often made their own. My best friend’s son dressed up as my husband one year, loved it!

My mom and dad did little decorating at Halloween, but scary noises played loud from our house, while my dad rattled chains in a bucket. There is fun in being terrified! I tried it a couple of years ago, zero kids came to the door, until I shut it off. Some years in our neighbourhood we can have over two hundred kids. I live in a cross street, so often they just go up and down and we are bypassed. Kids arrive after supper in the light and are typically done by eight. Halloween is different when the kids are grown, sometimes I wanna skip the four hours by the door.

Kids love it though, although with a time frame to abide to, they barely speak at the door and are off to collect as much candy as they can. I used to purchase things I like, so the left overs were good. I don’t do that now, I’ll save the weight gain for Christmas baking! Hope the weather is kind to the kids, my own daughter came back one year and just put in a snow suit instead for a costume. My husband has driven to the grandkids before to be a warm shelter for one, while the other kept going. I would rather not drive during that night, a lot of dashers out there in the night. Now is time to stock up in the treats, prices go up and things sell out fast. Get ready! Trick or Treat!

People are always saying they make better Grandparents than Parents. You know they will grow and do their own thing, you have more time, you can spoil and be damned the consequences. Not me, both roles were and are enjoyed. I stayed home with my kids. I loved every minute of it, the drop dead tired was superseded by the joy of play and discovery. Yes there were feral days, myself included. Yes there was cereal for supper, and unkept spaces, dirty dishes and piles of toys everywhere. Everybody has that, kudos to those who never got behind in housework, all homework was done and spent quality time with their kids. Tip of the hat if you never got behind in bills, laundry and self care. If your house wasn’t littered with more childhood papers than unwrapped gifts, were you even a parent? If you don’t have an insane attachment to that cut out handprint or a child’s first painting, tooth, pair of shoes that sit in a box for years, how can you prove they were little?

My Grands fought over sitting beside me the other day. They are tweens, I would never point it out to them, but the twinges that evokes while I hold on to their childhood as long as they allow me to. I have gotten away with my hand held by both this year and grasp to the thought that maybe being embarrassed of me might skip a generation. They are mine as much as their parents, there is no difference. I make them accountable, I withhold snacks, TV time and any consequence I have given my own. Kisses, squeezes, snuggles always!

Every generation after this one, I want a bond with! I wanna be great, great, great Grammie. The one with the energy and overflowing heart. The one they can talk to that gives the honest answers. The one to remind them of days gone by. The one with whole wheat bread and cranberry cherry juice that they love! The one who plays make believe and sings and dances. They absolutely do grow up too fast and we age along side of them too fast. While they want us, we do the best we can.

What is success? When you think of that word, does someone come to mind? Is it something you achieve with money and power? For me success is a lifetime spent giving of yourself. How did someone show love? Did they show kindness, sincerity, did they know their faults and accept them, did they accept others and their faults? Does someone accepts others at face value, no judgement, sees beyond appearance, looks to someone’s heart? Good people see the bad but also work towards pulling out the good. Success shouldn’t be determined mid life but at the end of it. Nobody is the same person they started out to be. Well you know that they…. referencing something from twenty years ago, does not define a person. Who are they now? Did they learn from it? That is what I want to know.

I like reconnecting with people from my past. I love seeing the change. The pleasant surprises that you never would have thought for that person. Skip through your own life five years at a time, surely you are a better person. Certainly time has changed you for the better. If not, why not, it is never too late to do better. Do you turn away from certain types of people? Maybe we see a little bit of the things we don’t like in ourselves and can’t face it in someone else. Perhaps you decided that certain habits and behaviours are incapable of change. Aunt Lou did that and she was a wretched old lady, why?

Some would say success is achieving your goals.What about motivation to continue making new goals? What about triumph when you overcome obstacles?A successful day can lead to a successful week, month, year and ultimately a lifetime. Perhaps the only one to measure success in your life is you. What you place value on is really personal choice. Whatever that looks like is your decision alone. I measure my success in kindness, love and acceptance. I want my legacy to be the good I did, not what I have. 💗